Dec 27, 2013

this is a favorite of mine and I wanted to post it today because I was thinking about how important it is to be true to oneself :)\\
                                                 "Myself"
by Edgar A. Guest
I have to live with myself and so
I want to be fit for myself to know,
I want to be able as days go by,
To look at myself straight in the eye.
I don't want to stand with the setting sun
And hate myself for the things I've done.

I don't want to hide on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself as I come and go
Into thinking that nobody else will know
What kind of man I really am;
I don't want to dress myself in sham.

I want to go with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men's respect
And in this struggle for fame and pelf
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to look at myself and know
That I am a bluster and empty show.

I cannot hide myself from me;
I can see what others can never see;
I know what others can never know,
I cannot fool myself, and so

Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.

Dec 13, 2013

DEPRESSION

Dec 11, 2013
 Depression


Have you ever as a child played hide and seek and hid in a closet? You can hear the other children laughing and scurrying around searching for you while you remain a lone in your dark seclude refuge.   If so, you know how dreadful it feel and hope someone will find you soon.

Depression feels like that, except you’re no longer a child, it’s not a game and you’re terribly afraid.  The sense of thick cold darkness envelopes you like a blanket of dread, and the only light flickers through a small keyhole from the locked closet and you are without the key. All energy escapes from every part of you, and it is difficult to tell your body to move.

Living with depression s in a way in a way a life imitation of death. .  Everything in your life stands still and you are entombed this empty black place without an escape or even the energy to find one’s way out. .
The sun doesn’t shine where you are, and a constant storm brews within your heart and mind   Waking in the morning and getting dressed seem an insurmountable effort a because within your psyche there is no desire to participate in life …all interest and energy has dissipated leaving you as if in a shell of a body lying cold and lifeless on a desolate while the cold waves wash over you

Being depressed is not something new to me; in fact this is something I have struggled with throughout my life.  Learning to understand and overcome this dreaded condition has accompanied much of my life’s journey although the end never seems reachable.
Today I began a new medication; well several that I hope will help.  My medicine cabinet looks like a pharmacy, and the number of pills I take is daunting. For now, for me, there is no other way to combat this except through medication and hopefully soon I will have the energy to see a therapist.
My husband is very understanding, but I know it’s not fair for him to look after someone who is withdrawn from life most of the time and the burden on him takes its toll on his energy also.

I wonder and hope someday to be well.  But, in the meantime I hope I can record my experiences in a way that will help other’s understand the suffering of those with depression and other mental illnesses.
On January 4 I have appointment with a Psychiatrist.  I want to be sure that the medication I am taking is the right ones.  I don’t like taking all these pills, but there is no other way right now.  I realize therapy is a must and hope to soon find a good therapist.
I feel that those around me truly don’t understand depression I have heard people whisper about others who are depressed and say such things as “What does she have to be depressed about”.  It would upset me, but I’ve learned to forgive those who don’t’ understand for without experience, one can easily misjudge this disease.
Some think depression is the person’s fault caused by negative thinking which of course part of this multi-symptom disease is.  However, many people suffer from a chemical imbalance. Often this is caused by low levels of Serotonin in their brain.  The exact scientific causes are very complex, but one must realize that that is usually the overall major factor in the cause of depression.  The chemical imbalances in the brain affect the body immensely, because you mind and body is a team.  When one part of the team is sick the other doesn't perform well either.

There are many causes: such as  postpartum depression in women after childbirth, divorce, death of a loved one, loss of several kinds, financial pressures, health problems, marital problems, midlife crisis, work pressures, job loss can all contribute ..  But, often people do not recognize it for quite some time and do not often act upon it until it begins to interfere or impedes the normal function of their daily activities in a markedly difficult way.

  At one point in my life, I would not leave my room for many days, the TV or the computer became a means of escape.  I would avoid contact with people entirely. An otherwise perfectionist in housekeeping, days and sometimes weeks would pass when I did not without cleaning my home and would need someone to come in and help with it. Many Tasks would be started and left unfinished like a quilt I began in February and in December still have only 90% finished. 

The loss of interest is another drastic difficulty...  I don’t want to do the things I use to do, like sew, paint, garden, and photograph.  This is caused Mostly because of the lack energy but also an aboding hopeless feeling.  The loss of income, stability, and security as well as health has been a great source of pressure. Like a pressure cooker that builds steam, but has an outlet, our minds that have built up pressure seem to continue to build steam until they explode and the body goes numb.


Sep 20, 2013

A Priesthood Blessing

September 20, 2013

I woke up Monday feeling fine until about mid day, then my legs began to bother me again.  I must have injured my back lifting books or boxes while cleaning the garage. As the day progressed my left leg began to be sorer.  By the end of the day I was in a lot of pain and  unable to get on and off the bed without great difficulty.

Even walking to the bathroom became almost impossible, I would hold on to furniture and drag my way across the floor as knife like pain ran through my leg.  .  I took pain pills but they didn't too much and Richard had to assist me to get up and down  Positioning myself on the bed so I could sleep was so difficult as I could not put my leg out straight the pain was so awful. Through the night I dozed on and off but would cry out in pain if I moved my leg.

During the night I dozed off and woke covered and drenched in sweat. By Wednesday I began to feel a little better and could walk but with difficulty.  The pain remained so I made appointment with the doctor who told me it was just sprained muscles (but I knew it was more than that).
When the Elders came to help Richard in the Yard on Thursday, I asked them to come back a 8 pm and give me a Priesthood Blessing.

It was Elder Haag and Elder ………(from Tahiti) that gave me a blessing assisted by Richard. .  The moment Elder Haag placed his hand on my head I felt this overwhelming quieting of peaceful warmth go through my body. During the blessing the spirit felt so strong upon my mind and in my heart that oceans of tears ran down my face.  Truly the spirit was with these men of God.  And I am grateful for that. 
Today I’m a lot better, but have much work to do to stretch and strengthen the injured muscles; however, I know I will be better and I know more than ever that God lives, and the Priesthood power exists on this earth today. For all of that I am grateful; ever so very grateful.


Jeri milici mork 9/20/2013

Dec 14, 2012

Poetry by the Bronte Sisters


Anne Bronte:

LINES COMPOSED IN A WOOD ON A WINDY DAY
by: Anne Bronte (1820-1849)
MY soul is awakened, my spirit is soaring
And carried aloft on the wings of the breeze;
For above and around me the wild wind is roaring,
Arousing to rapture the earth and the seas.

The long withered grass in the sunshine is glancing,
The bare trees are tossing their branches on high;
The dead leaves beneath them are merrily dancing,
The white clouds are scudding across the blue sky

I wish I could see how the ocean is lashing
The foam of its billows to whirlwinds of spray;
I wish I could see how its proud waves are dashing,
And hear the wild roar of their thunder to-day!
"Lines Composed in a Wood on a Windy Day" is reprinted from Poems By Currer, Ellis, and Acton Bell. Charlotte, Anne, and Emily Bronte. Philadelphia: Lea and Blanchard, 1848.
Anne Bronte (died age 29) 

Anne Brontë (/ˈbrɒnti/;[1][2] 17 January 1820 – 28 May 1849) was a British novelist and poet, the youngest member of the Brontë literary family.
The daughter of a poor Irish clergyman in the Church of England, Anne Brontë lived most of her life with her family at the parish of Haworth on the Yorkshire moors. For a couple of years she went to a boarding school. At the age of 19 she left Haworth and worked as a governess between 1839 and 1845. After leaving her teaching position, she fulfilled her literary ambitions. She wrote a volume of poetry with her sisters (Poems by Currer, Ellis, and Acton Bell, 1846) and two novels. Agnes Grey, based upon her experiences as a governess, was published in 1847. Her second and last novel, The Tenant of Wildfell Hall, which is considered to be one of the first sustained feminist novels, appeared in 1848. Anne's life was cut short when she died of pulmonary tuberculosis at the age of 29.

THE ARBOUR
by: Anne Bronte (1820-1849)
    'LL rest me in this sheltered bower,
    And look upon the clear blue sky
    That smiles upon me through the trees,
    Which stand so thick clustering by;

    And view their green and glossy leaves,
    All glistening in the sunshine fair;
    And list the rustling of their boughs,
    So softly whispering through the air.

    And while my ear drinks in the sound,
    My winged soul shall fly away;
    Reviewing lone departed years
    As one mild, beaming, autumn day;

    And soaring on to future scenes,
    Like hills and woods, and valleys green,
    All basking in the summer's sun,
    But distant still, and dimly seen.

    Oh, list! 'tis summer's very breath
    That gently shakes the rustling trees--
    But look! the snow is on the ground--
    How can I think of scenes like these?

    'Tis but the FROST that clears the air,
    And gives the sky that lovely blue;
    They're smiling in a WINTER'S sun,
    Those evergreens of sombre hue.

    And winter's chill is on my heart--
    How can I dream of future bliss?
    How can my spirit soar away,
    Confined by such a chain as this?

"The Arbour" is reprinted from Poems By Currer, Ellis, and Acton Bell. Charlotte, Anne, and Emily Bronte. Philadelphia: Lea and Blanchard, 1848.


MORe

MUSIC ON CHRISTMAS MORNING
by: Anne Bronte (1820-1849)
      USIC I love--but never strain
      Could kindle raptures so divine,
      So grief assuage, so conquer pain,
      And rouse this pensive heart of mine--
      As that we hear on Christmas morn,
      Upon the wintry breezes borne.

      Though Darkness still her empire keep,
      And hours must pass, ere morning break;
      From troubled dreams, or slumbers deep,
      That music KINDLY bids us wake:
      It calls us, with an angel's voice,
      To wake, and worship, and rejoice;

      To greet with joy the glorious morn,
      Which angels welcomed long ago,
      When our redeeming Lord was born,
      To bring the light of Heaven below;
      The Powers of Darkness to dispel,
      And rescue Earth from Death and Hell.

      While listening to that sacred strain,
      My raptured spirit soars on high;
      I seem to hear those songs again
      Resounding through the open sky,
      That kindled such divine delight,
      In those who watched their flocks by night.

      With them I celebrate His birth--
      Glory to God, in highest Heaven,
      Good-will to men, and peace on earth,
      To us a Saviour-king is given;
      Our God is come to claim His own,
      And Satan's power is overthrown!

      A sinless God, for sinful men,
      Descends to suffer and to bleed;
      Hell MUST renounce its empire then;
      The price is paid, the world is freed,
      And Satan's self must now confess
      That Christ has earned a RIGHT to bless:

      Now holy Peace may smile from heaven,
      And heavenly Truth from earth shall spring:
      The captive's galling bonds are riven,
      For our Redeemer is our king;
      And He that gave his blood for men
      Will lead us home to God again.
by: Anne Bronte (1820-1849)
    'LL rest me in this sheltered bower,
    And look upon the clear blue sky
    That smiles upon me through the trees,
    Which stand so thick clustering by;

    And view their green and glossy leaves,
    All glistening in the sunshine fair;
    And list the rustling of their boughs,
    So softly whispering through the air.

    And while my ear drinks in the sound,
    My winged soul shall fly away;
    Reviewing lone departed years
    As one mild, beaming, autumn day;

    And soaring on to future scenes,
    Like hills and woods, and valleys green,
    All basking in the summer's sun,
    But distant still, and dimly seen.

    Oh, list! 'tis summer's very breath
    That gently shakes the rustling trees--
    But look! the snow is on the ground--
    How can I think of scenes like these?

    'Tis but the FROST that clears the air,
    And gives the sky that lovely blue;
    They're smiling in a WINTER'S sun,
    Those evergreens of sombre hue.

    And winter's chill is on my heart--
    How can I dream of future bliss?
    How can my spirit soar away,rer, Ellis, and Acton Bell. Charlotte, Anne, and Emily Bronte. Philadelphia: Lea and Blanchard, 1848.
    Confined by such a chain as this?

"The Arbour" is reprinted from Poems By Cur

Dec 6, 2012

COMMUNIST GOALS 1963 CONGRESSIONAL RECORD


THESE WERE ENTERED INTO THE CONGRESSIONAL RECORD IN 1963!!  I HIGHLIGHTED THE ONES I AM MOST FAMILIAR WITH.  YOU WILL RECOGNIZE EVEN MORE.  IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW OUR ENEMY, AND THOSE THAT ARE ATTEMPTING TO DESTROY OUR COUNTRY.  PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SHARE.  THERE IS A LINK ON THE BOTTOM TO A PRINTABLE OF THIS AND SHOWING WHERE I GOT THE INFORMATION, BY YOU CAN GOOGLE THIS AND FIND MORE ABOUT IT.

1)           US acceptance of coexistence as the only alternative to atomic war.
2)           US willingness to capitulate in preference to engaging in atomic war.
3)           Develop the illusion that total disarmament by the US would be a demonstration of "moral strength."
4)           Permit free trade between all nations regardless of Communist affiliation and regardless of whether or not items could be used for war.
5)           Extension of long term loans to Russia and Soviet Satellites.
6)           Provide American aid to all nations regardless of Communist domination.
7)           Grant recognition of Red China, and admission of Red China to the UN.
8)           Set up East and West Germany as separate states in spite of Khrushchev's promise in 1955 to settle the Germany question by free elections under supervision of the UN.
9)           Prolong the conferences to ban atomic tests because the US has agreed to suspend tests as long as negotiations are in progress.
10)        Allow all Soviet Satellites individual representation in the UN.
11)        Promote the UN as the only hope for mankind. If its charter is rewritten, demand that it be set up as a one world government with its own independent armed forces. (Some Communist leaders believe the world can be taken over as easily by the UN as by Moscow. Sometimes these two centers compete with each other as they are now doing in the Congo).
12)        Resist any attempt to outlaw the Communist Party.
13)        Do away with loyalty oaths.
14)        Continue giving Russia access to the US Patent Office.
15)        Capture one or both of the political parties in the US.
16)        Use technical decisions of the courts to weaken basic American institutions, by claiming their activities violate civil rights.
17)        Get control of the schools. Use them as transmission belts for Socialism, and current Communist propaganda. Soften the curriculum. Get control of teachers associations. Put the party line in text books.
18)        Gain control of all student newspapers.
19)        Use student riots to foment public protests against programs or organizations which are under Communist attack.
20)        Infiltrate the press. Get control of book review assignments, editorial writing, policy-making positions.
21)        Gain control of key positions in radio, TV & motion pictures.
22)        Continue discrediting American culture by degrading all form of artistic expression. An American Communist cell was told to "eliminate all good sculpture from parks and buildings," substitute shapeless, awkward, and meaningless forms.
23)        Control art critics and directors of art museums. "Our plan is to promote ugliness, repulsive, meaningless art."
24)        Eliminate all laws governing obscenity by calling them "censorship" and a violation of free speech and free press.
25)        Break down cultural standards of morality by promoting pornography, and obscenity in books, magazines, motion pictures, radio and TV.
26)        Present homosexuality, degeneracy, and promiscuity as "normal, natural, and healthy."
27)        Infiltrate the churches and replace revealed religion with "social" religion. Discredit the Bible and emphasize the need for intellectual maturity, which does not need a "religious crutch."
28)        Eliminate prayer or any phase of religious expression in the schools on the grounds that it violates the principle of "separation of church and state."
29)        Discredit the American Constitution by calling it inadequate, old fashioned, out of step with modern needs, a hindrance to cooperation between nations on a worldwide basis.
30)        Discredit the American founding fathers. Present them as selfish aristocrats who had no concern for the "common man".
31)        Belittle all forms of American culture and discourage the teaching of American history on the ground that it was only a minor part of "the big picture": Give more emphasis to Russian history since the Communists took over.
32)        Support any socialist movement to give centralized control over any part of the culture - - education, social agencies, welfare programs, mental health clinics, etc.
33)        Eliminate all laws or procedures, which interfere with the operation of the Communist apparatus.
34)        Eliminate the House Committee on Un-American Activities.
35)        Discredit and eventually dismantle the FBI.
36)        Infiltrate and gain control of more unions.
37)        Infiltrate and gain control of big business.
38)        Transfer some of the powers of arrest from the police to social agencies. Treat all behavioral problems as psychiatric disorders which no one but psychiatrists can understand or treat.
39)        Dominate the psychiatric profession and use mental health laws as a means of gaining coercive control over those who oppose Communist goals.
40)        Discredit the family as an institution. Encourage promiscuity and easy divorce.
41)        Emphasize the need to raise children away from the negative influence of parents. Attribute prejudices, mental blocks and retarding of children to suppressive influence of parents.
42)        Create the impression that violence and insurrection are legitimate aspects of the American tradition; that students and special interest groups should rise up and make a "united force" to solve economic, political, or social problems.
43)        Overthrow all colonial governments before native populations are ready for self-government.
44)        Internationalize the Panama Canal.
45)        Repeal the Connally Reservation so the US can not prevent the World Court from seizing jurisdiction over domestic problems. Give the World Court jurisdiction over domestic problems. Give the World Court jurisdiction over nations and individuals alike.

http://archive.glennbeck.com/news/03212002.shtml


Sep 24, 2012

After waking this morning I went to Traci's and she colored my hair. It seems like it grows 1 inch a month, and the gray looks so bad. Sometimes I just want to chop it off!

When I came home after that I was hoping to get some things done but I was drawn to the bedroom, no energy, shrouded in sadness.  Can't stop thinking about my sweet dog, feeling I let him down, wishing I did not have the surgery. but I can't bring him back. there  will be an empty space in my heart where his heart was.  Some won't understand the llove between a dog and their owner, but it is a bond that is made in heaven .  He was my closest friend, he loved me with unconditional.  I thank God that I had him for 8 years.  I will miss him terribly.

Kevin and Traci's home was auctioned today. A very very sad day.  Most people today are stuggeling and loosing homes, and jobs.  The economy is on the brink and if Obama gets in again, people are talking about going to Canada or somewhere else. It will be bad. Everything he does, is to destroy the country.  We are praying daily for our Country and Obama.

I've been spending my time, lots of it, with a design program, Colourlovers, and enjoying having an outlet for my art talents. I hope tomorrow I have more energy and the ache in side will not be so bad.


Today is September 24, 2012.  It seems an eternity since last I wrote.  Time is like a thief in the night for I cannot catch it and make it stay still.  Hours are wasted a way into the air.  Mostly because of the bouts of depression I encounter. So I wanted to write a little about this. Perhaps someone who suffers as I could learn to understand their own struggles with this demon from hearing about mine.

Last week my dog Harrison died.  He was  big black lovable Labrador that I had since the day he was born to my female lab Angel 8 1/2 years ago. It started a few weeks ago when I notice a large lump under his armpit and observed him having a lot of difficulty getting up and down, in and out of the car, as well as heavy breathing. After consultation, ex-rays and tests we decided to have surgery to try to give him a few more years.  The surgery did not go well, and he had to be put down.
ISattered.  That's when this bout of depression began. For  three days I could not leave the house, or my bedroom. I'm tired, cry all the time.  The ache inside just wont go away and I'm trapped in a body that finds every movement extreme effort.

Depression is a monster.  It keeps you trapped in a dark hole.  Like a theif in the night, it comes and smother's you with darkness and sorrow, and binds you down with it's heaviness. I wish I could really explain it so that others could know what a devastating experience it is.  I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go anywhere.  There is no joy, and such a heaviness in my heart.  All I can do is live through it, go through the motions of living, and in time the pain will dull, and I will be able to face life again.