Today is Sabbath, and I should be at church. Here I am at home - again. Got up too late; felt too sick, tired, and sore. Health and how I feel about myself is like a granite mountain standing in the way of my footsteps traveling on the road to forever. And I feel like it is forever since feeling totally well - physically and spiritually.
Isolation - again - looming all around. There are those I have lost - friends, family, animals. These left a hole in my heart and soul.And so it is as though life is like a 'trial by fire" from which I must emerge unscathed. There is nothing so painful as the pain of loneliness and that of loss. Loss of not things, but of times and of associations. Memories of my past are haunting. The family times with little children at my feet and parents visiting; holidays with all the fixings on the grand table surrounded by crowded chairs; the beach with the toddler toys in the sand; cramped cars traveling to a vacation destination. Days then filled with happiness despite the challenges. I loved listening to the children prayers and to see the innocent faces of sweetness. The looked like sleeping cherubs while they slept.
So here it is, 2010, looking back. Behind me are fields of wildflowers and rainbow skies but beyond the looming mountain there is a pervasive silence and gray. I wonder if anything will ever be good again? And then, to top that all off is the guilt. The guilt of feeling like I shouldn't be feeling this while at the same time KNOWING this is what I feel and it must be accepted. Lost dreams, shattered longings, and unkempt promises = they are the albatross that weighs upon my heart and saps the energy from any forward steps into the light.
I have a testimony still. I know the church is true, and Joseph Smith was truly a prophet. I know God lives, and that the principles of the gospel are the ones that will bring me happiness. And I also know that it still isn't easy, life is a difficult road filled with ruts and rocks and sharp turns that often leave even the most righteous wandering on the path. So do the trials come because we are not good, or do they come because we are striving with all our might to reach the heavenly summit of Celestial Glory? Often it is clear, but just as often it is not. As one looks ahead in a storm, the tranquil blue skies that lie beyond the tumultuous winds and rains are obscured from our view. And so, that is how life often feels to me. Tomorrow could be a better day. Like I have said before, depression is a horrible disease involving physical, mental, and spiritual distress and sapping one's energy and fortitude. That is the ONE great hill I must climb every day just to get back on the path, just to endue, just to be able to see the blue skies beyond the storms.
