I feel like Alice in Wonderland who fell down a hole, going round and round in the darkest of the dark. That's what depression feels like. That's what this week has been like. Oh, not for any big reason, just bunches of little challenges: infection, sickness, money stresses, lack of sleep, all the things that pile up and punch you in the gut when you least expect it.
Feeling a bit overwhelmed with life I guess, not turning out the way I had hoped. I will be 65 soon and instead of looking forward to retirement, Richard and I are both wondering about survival. The last 6 years since Richards open heart surgery and serious of hospitalizations have played on tole on our lives. Just scraping by is no fun. Goodbye to the dream of a nice retirement home, one that would be paid for with the money we invested in our homes. That is gone now. And not knowing what the future holds regarding this house on Turn Pike Drive.
The government is in a turmoil, we have a socialist for a president, and government officials who spend and spend. The boarder of the US is invaded daily by criminals who bring in drugs, and alien workers who take jobs away from Americans. They say 11 to 20 million are in the country illegally, but I think it is much worse. So that is all on my mind.
Loneliness as usual is a constant battle. Feeling isolated most of the time and lacking the energy to do anything about it.
Watching Richard sit on the coach all day is quite heart breaking. This is what our life has come to in our senior years and it is really sad. I often wonder why, but that is an unanswerable questions for the heavens are silent to that one always. I must figure it out, all of it, and find my way up and out of the darkness.
If I could have any other disease I would welcome it. Then you can deal with a known problems. But depression encompasses your whole being, mind, body and spirit. Some people wrongly think it is something you can control with your mind, but it is not about that at all. It is a part of you, your biological makeup. It's just like if you have bad eyesight and you take your glasses off and everything is blurry. No matter how you squint you still don't see clearly.
Once before the Lord told me I needed to learn compassion through suffering. I'm still learning it.
I have such a deep and strong desire to help others, to support causes, to eliminate animal abuse, protect the environment, and help children. If I had $ that is where it would go.
But, we are poor, not much left, and I can only give what I have. I pray that I will find the way to strengthen my body, and find the answers to good health so I may be more productive. That is all I can hope for at this time. Perhaps tomorrow I will begin with the light.................
ps. I just tried to leave the house, got to the car and had not the energy to drive it so I came back. THAT is what I mean.
