Dec 11, 2013
Depression
Have you
ever as a child played hide and seek and hid in a closet? You can hear the
other children laughing and scurrying around searching for you while you remain
a lone in your dark seclude refuge. If so, you know how dreadful it feel and hope
someone will find you soon.
Depression
feels like that, except you’re no longer a child, it’s not a game and you’re terribly
afraid. The sense of thick cold darkness
envelopes you like a blanket of dread, and the only light flickers through a small
keyhole from the locked closet and you are without the key. All energy escapes
from every part of you, and it is difficult to tell your body to move.
Living with
depression s in a way in a way a life imitation of death. . Everything in your life stands still and you
are entombed this empty black place without an escape or even the energy to
find one’s way out. .
The sun
doesn’t shine where you are, and a constant storm brews within your heart and
mind Waking in the morning and getting
dressed seem an insurmountable effort a because within your psyche there is no
desire to participate in life …all interest and energy has dissipated leaving
you as if in a shell of a body lying cold and lifeless on a desolate while the cold
waves wash over you
Being
depressed is not something new to me; in fact this is something I have
struggled with throughout my life.
Learning to understand and overcome this dreaded condition has
accompanied much of my life’s journey although the end never seems reachable.
Today I
began a new medication; well several that I hope will help. My medicine cabinet looks like a pharmacy,
and the number of pills I take is daunting. For now, for me, there is no other
way to combat this except through medication and hopefully soon I will have the
energy to see a therapist.
My husband
is very understanding, but I know it’s not fair for him to look after someone
who is withdrawn from life most of the time and the burden on him takes its
toll on his energy also.
I wonder and
hope someday to be well. But, in the
meantime I hope I can record my experiences in a way that will help other’s
understand the suffering of those with depression and other mental illnesses.
On January 4
I have appointment with a Psychiatrist.
I want to be sure that the medication I am taking is the right
ones. I don’t like taking all these
pills, but there is no other way right now.
I realize therapy is a must and hope to soon find a good therapist.
I feel that
those around me truly don’t understand depression I have heard people whisper
about others who are depressed and say such things as “What does she have to be
depressed about”. It would upset me, but
I’ve learned to forgive those who don’t’ understand for without experience, one
can easily misjudge this disease.
Some think
depression is the person’s fault caused by negative thinking which of course part
of this multi-symptom disease is.
However, many people suffer from a chemical imbalance. Often this is caused
by low levels of Serotonin in their brain.
The exact scientific causes are very complex, but one must realize that
that is usually the overall major factor in the cause of depression. The chemical imbalances in the brain affect
the body immensely, because you mind and body is a team. When one part of the team is sick the other doesn't perform well either.
There are many
causes: such as postpartum depression in
women after childbirth, divorce, death of a loved one, loss of several kinds,
financial pressures, health problems, marital problems, midlife crisis, work
pressures, job loss can all contribute ..
But, often people do not recognize it for quite some time and do not
often act upon it until it begins to interfere or impedes the normal function
of their daily activities in a markedly difficult way.
At one point in my life, I would not leave my
room for many days, the TV or the computer became a means of escape. I would avoid contact with people entirely.
An otherwise perfectionist in housekeeping, days and sometimes weeks would pass
when I did not without cleaning my home and would need someone to come in and
help with it. Many Tasks would be started and left unfinished like a quilt I
began in February and in December still have only 90% finished.
The loss of
interest is another drastic difficulty...
I don’t want to do the things I use to do, like sew, paint, garden, and
photograph. This is caused Mostly
because of the lack energy but also an aboding hopeless feeling. The loss of income, stability, and security
as well as health has been a great source of pressure. Like a pressure cooker
that builds steam, but has an outlet, our minds that have built up pressure
seem to continue to build steam until they explode and the body goes numb.
