It's still the 18th, Sunday. So quiet and still except for the lull of the air conditioner which have run the entire day attempting to cool the house from the 105 degree temp. outside.
Sitting in the darkness of my room lit only by the light on my screen, I feel the quiet around me, surrounding me, as if it were a shroud. A shroud of loneliness. Besides the hurt of losing a loosing a loved one to death, being lonely is the most painful feeling I have known. Its intensity increases each time we move to a new place. I think I am a friendly person, but somehow I just don't fit in here in Folsom at all. I thought it would be so different, less isolated than when we lived on Fox Court in VA. But there I had a couple of good friends, and here I really don't have any. It's been 6 years. I cannot fathom that. Six long years with trial after trial, health, money, worry, loneliness -- such a long streak of stress and pain. No one would know , nor would I tell them of the isolation I feel inside.
Lindsey and Ben still come during the day and I delight in that Seeing them growing/learning/laughing /running and playing is a joy to behold.
All of a sudden I hear a howl, oh, that's Angel my sweet Labrador singing -- she only sings to certain music but when she does, its crazy! The two labs, Angel and Harrison are exhausted from the dog park run they had, and they will sleep great and hopefully so will I.
The starts and blackened night are in the sky above me now. Stillness surrounds me. Where is the peace I seek? the hope and the dream of a better day. I wait upon the Lord to bless my life and I know he will. I know he will. So as the dreams fill my sleeping mind, my body and soul receive their nourishment,
Jul 18, 2010
Here we go again
July 18, 2010
Life is but a sleep and a forgetting. At least for today. I woke up not even knowing what day it was and had to turn on the news to find out it was Sunday. Though it is 10:20, Richard is still sleeping.
The dogs are sleeping at my feet dreaming of the park and running with the other dogs. How do I know? The way their body's quiver in running motions as they dream. So it begins, another day, another week, life repeats itself in so many ways. Most activities seem so mundane: eating, sleeping, cleaning, washing clothes and on and on. But then there are times that rise above the clouds like watching Johnotan's face as he accomplishes the walk between his mom and me. And this week Benj discovered music! When his Dad brought him over, he was excited to announce he got his own CD from Wendy's ... an America's get talent CD with dance Music. Then the marathon began : he listened to it, and listened to it, and we listened to it, and Richard listened to it, and then Lindsey said "I can't stand it" and promptly pulled the plug out!" But Benj just moved the player to the other room. He is only 5 but he likes what he likes and he likes it over and over. Like the Cat and the Hat video that has been played 100 times, the Stuart Little 2 and Toy Story 2, followed by Stuart Little 3 and Toy Story 3. Oh, did I mention his favorite foods? Mac and cheese for lunch for 3 years :) Now Bologna sandwiches, cheese, banana Popsicle and frozen pop sticks. What fun we have with him. :)
The morning today began cool so I had time to clean out some of the tangled mass of weeds and morning glory overgrowth in the yard. My gardening expertise has suffered since living here in Folsom. Small yard, wrong sun angle, lousy soil. Recalling with grief the beautiful home and garden we left behind in Virginia. Oh, that is another entire subject which I can't approach without a box of Kleenex nearby.
Life is but a sleep and a forgetting. At least for today. I woke up not even knowing what day it was and had to turn on the news to find out it was Sunday. Though it is 10:20, Richard is still sleeping.
The dogs are sleeping at my feet dreaming of the park and running with the other dogs. How do I know? The way their body's quiver in running motions as they dream. So it begins, another day, another week, life repeats itself in so many ways. Most activities seem so mundane: eating, sleeping, cleaning, washing clothes and on and on. But then there are times that rise above the clouds like watching Johnotan's face as he accomplishes the walk between his mom and me. And this week Benj discovered music! When his Dad brought him over, he was excited to announce he got his own CD from Wendy's ... an America's get talent CD with dance Music. Then the marathon began : he listened to it, and listened to it, and we listened to it, and Richard listened to it, and then Lindsey said "I can't stand it" and promptly pulled the plug out!" But Benj just moved the player to the other room. He is only 5 but he likes what he likes and he likes it over and over. Like the Cat and the Hat video that has been played 100 times, the Stuart Little 2 and Toy Story 2, followed by Stuart Little 3 and Toy Story 3. Oh, did I mention his favorite foods? Mac and cheese for lunch for 3 years :) Now Bologna sandwiches, cheese, banana Popsicle and frozen pop sticks. What fun we have with him. :)
The morning today began cool so I had time to clean out some of the tangled mass of weeds and morning glory overgrowth in the yard. My gardening expertise has suffered since living here in Folsom. Small yard, wrong sun angle, lousy soil. Recalling with grief the beautiful home and garden we left behind in Virginia. Oh, that is another entire subject which I can't approach without a box of Kleenex nearby.
The Beginning.
So I have begun to fly on the Wings of the Butterfly. This blog will be dedicated to recording my observations, thoughts, and feelings that perhaps after longs travels on the winds and storms of life I can make sense of the senseless, see through the darkness, and embrace the light.
The idea that I am turning 65 is beyond my comprehension. What is a life that goes like speed of lightning though storms and through sunshine turning hours and days into vapor? But here I am and I must begin but as I go forward, I shall also go back as the memories ebb and flow through my mind. This is a journey of thought, and a quest for understanding and expression for life is so fast in happening it is like being cloaked in space and time without beginning or end, and only the past to remember and the future to look toward.
This is 2010 - and the latter days storms are swirling with fierceness upon the world that I find myself in. Often I must brace against the push of the devastating winds of evil that are the forces upon every living thing upon the world. For this is truly the latter days, a time of trouble and turbulence that the Prophets warned about. What I write hear will be my letter to progeny that they may know that I was true and faithful and lived with my faith and heart to overcome, to make the world a better place for them to live in and eternity for them to come to.
The idea that I am turning 65 is beyond my comprehension. What is a life that goes like speed of lightning though storms and through sunshine turning hours and days into vapor? But here I am and I must begin but as I go forward, I shall also go back as the memories ebb and flow through my mind. This is a journey of thought, and a quest for understanding and expression for life is so fast in happening it is like being cloaked in space and time without beginning or end, and only the past to remember and the future to look toward.
This is 2010 - and the latter days storms are swirling with fierceness upon the world that I find myself in. Often I must brace against the push of the devastating winds of evil that are the forces upon every living thing upon the world. For this is truly the latter days, a time of trouble and turbulence that the Prophets warned about. What I write hear will be my letter to progeny that they may know that I was true and faithful and lived with my faith and heart to overcome, to make the world a better place for them to live in and eternity for them to come to.
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