After waking this morning I went to Traci's and she colored my hair. It seems like it grows 1 inch a month, and the gray looks so bad. Sometimes I just want to chop it off!

When I came home after that I was hoping to get some things done but I was drawn to the bedroom, no energy, shrouded in sadness.  Can't stop thinking about my sweet dog, feeling I let him down, wishing I did not have the surgery. but I can't bring him back. there  will be an empty space in my heart where his heart was.  Some won't understand the llove between a dog and their owner, but it is a bond that is made in heaven .  He was my closest friend, he loved me with unconditional.  I thank God that I had him for 8 years.  I will miss him terribly.

Kevin and Traci's home was auctioned today. A very very sad day.  Most people today are stuggeling and loosing homes, and jobs.  The economy is on the brink and if Obama gets in again, people are talking about going to Canada or somewhere else. It will be bad. Everything he does, is to destroy the country.  We are praying daily for our Country and Obama.

I've been spending my time, lots of it, with a design program, Colourlovers, and enjoying having an outlet for my art talents. I hope tomorrow I have more energy and the ache in side will not be so bad.

Today is September 24, 2012.  It seems an eternity since last I wrote.  Time is like a thief in the night for I cannot catch it and make it stay still.  Hours are wasted a way into the air.  Mostly because of the bouts of depression I encounter. So I wanted to write a little about this. Perhaps someone who suffers as I could learn to understand their own struggles with this demon from hearing about mine.

Last week my dog Harrison died.  He was  big black lovable Labrador that I had since the day he was born to my female lab Angel 8 1/2 years ago. It started a few weeks ago when I notice a large lump under his armpit and observed him having a lot of difficulty getting up and down, in and out of the car, as well as heavy breathing. After consultation, ex-rays and tests we decided to have surgery to try to give him a few more years.  The surgery did not go well, and he had to be put down.
ISattered.  That's when this bout of depression began. For  three days I could not leave the house, or my bedroom. I'm tired, cry all the time.  The ache inside just wont go away and I'm trapped in a body that finds every movement extreme effort.

Depression is a monster.  It keeps you trapped in a dark hole.  Like a theif in the night, it comes and smother's you with darkness and sorrow, and binds you down with it's heaviness. I wish I could really explain it so that others could know what a devastating experience it is.  I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go anywhere.  There is no joy, and such a heaviness in my heart.  All I can do is live through it, go through the motions of living, and in time the pain will dull, and I will be able to face life again.