Today is Sabbath, and I should be at church. Here I am at home - again. Got up too late; felt too sick, tired, and sore. Health and how I feel about myself is like a granite mountain standing in the way of my footsteps traveling on the road to forever. And I feel like it is forever since feeling totally well - physically and spiritually.
Isolation - again - looming all around. There are those I have lost - friends, family, animals. These left a hole in my heart and soul.And so it is as though life is like a 'trial by fire" from which I must emerge unscathed. There is nothing so painful as the pain of loneliness and that of loss. Loss of not things, but of times and of associations. Memories of my past are haunting. The family times with little children at my feet and parents visiting; holidays with all the fixings on the grand table surrounded by crowded chairs; the beach with the toddler toys in the sand; cramped cars traveling to a vacation destination. Days then filled with happiness despite the challenges. I loved listening to the children prayers and to see the innocent faces of sweetness. The looked like sleeping cherubs while they slept.
So here it is, 2010, looking back. Behind me are fields of wildflowers and rainbow skies but beyond the looming mountain there is a pervasive silence and gray. I wonder if anything will ever be good again? And then, to top that all off is the guilt. The guilt of feeling like I shouldn't be feeling this while at the same time KNOWING this is what I feel and it must be accepted. Lost dreams, shattered longings, and unkempt promises = they are the albatross that weighs upon my heart and saps the energy from any forward steps into the light.
I have a testimony still. I know the church is true, and Joseph Smith was truly a prophet. I know God lives, and that the principles of the gospel are the ones that will bring me happiness. And I also know that it still isn't easy, life is a difficult road filled with ruts and rocks and sharp turns that often leave even the most righteous wandering on the path. So do the trials come because we are not good, or do they come because we are striving with all our might to reach the heavenly summit of Celestial Glory? Often it is clear, but just as often it is not. As one looks ahead in a storm, the tranquil blue skies that lie beyond the tumultuous winds and rains are obscured from our view. And so, that is how life often feels to me. Tomorrow could be a better day. Like I have said before, depression is a horrible disease involving physical, mental, and spiritual distress and sapping one's energy and fortitude. That is the ONE great hill I must climb every day just to get back on the path, just to endue, just to be able to see the blue skies beyond the storms.
Jul 25, 2010
Jul 24, 2010
The Black
I feel like Alice in Wonderland who fell down a hole, going round and round in the darkest of the dark. That's what depression feels like. That's what this week has been like. Oh, not for any big reason, just bunches of little challenges: infection, sickness, money stresses, lack of sleep, all the things that pile up and punch you in the gut when you least expect it.
Feeling a bit overwhelmed with life I guess, not turning out the way I had hoped. I will be 65 soon and instead of looking forward to retirement, Richard and I are both wondering about survival. The last 6 years since Richards open heart surgery and serious of hospitalizations have played on tole on our lives. Just scraping by is no fun. Goodbye to the dream of a nice retirement home, one that would be paid for with the money we invested in our homes. That is gone now. And not knowing what the future holds regarding this house on Turn Pike Drive.
The government is in a turmoil, we have a socialist for a president, and government officials who spend and spend. The boarder of the US is invaded daily by criminals who bring in drugs, and alien workers who take jobs away from Americans. They say 11 to 20 million are in the country illegally, but I think it is much worse. So that is all on my mind.
Loneliness as usual is a constant battle. Feeling isolated most of the time and lacking the energy to do anything about it.
Watching Richard sit on the coach all day is quite heart breaking. This is what our life has come to in our senior years and it is really sad. I often wonder why, but that is an unanswerable questions for the heavens are silent to that one always. I must figure it out, all of it, and find my way up and out of the darkness.
If I could have any other disease I would welcome it. Then you can deal with a known problems. But depression encompasses your whole being, mind, body and spirit. Some people wrongly think it is something you can control with your mind, but it is not about that at all. It is a part of you, your biological makeup. It's just like if you have bad eyesight and you take your glasses off and everything is blurry. No matter how you squint you still don't see clearly.
Once before the Lord told me I needed to learn compassion through suffering. I'm still learning it.
I have such a deep and strong desire to help others, to support causes, to eliminate animal abuse, protect the environment, and help children. If I had $ that is where it would go.
But, we are poor, not much left, and I can only give what I have. I pray that I will find the way to strengthen my body, and find the answers to good health so I may be more productive. That is all I can hope for at this time. Perhaps tomorrow I will begin with the light.................
ps. I just tried to leave the house, got to the car and had not the energy to drive it so I came back. THAT is what I mean.
Feeling a bit overwhelmed with life I guess, not turning out the way I had hoped. I will be 65 soon and instead of looking forward to retirement, Richard and I are both wondering about survival. The last 6 years since Richards open heart surgery and serious of hospitalizations have played on tole on our lives. Just scraping by is no fun. Goodbye to the dream of a nice retirement home, one that would be paid for with the money we invested in our homes. That is gone now. And not knowing what the future holds regarding this house on Turn Pike Drive.
The government is in a turmoil, we have a socialist for a president, and government officials who spend and spend. The boarder of the US is invaded daily by criminals who bring in drugs, and alien workers who take jobs away from Americans. They say 11 to 20 million are in the country illegally, but I think it is much worse. So that is all on my mind.
Loneliness as usual is a constant battle. Feeling isolated most of the time and lacking the energy to do anything about it.
Watching Richard sit on the coach all day is quite heart breaking. This is what our life has come to in our senior years and it is really sad. I often wonder why, but that is an unanswerable questions for the heavens are silent to that one always. I must figure it out, all of it, and find my way up and out of the darkness.
If I could have any other disease I would welcome it. Then you can deal with a known problems. But depression encompasses your whole being, mind, body and spirit. Some people wrongly think it is something you can control with your mind, but it is not about that at all. It is a part of you, your biological makeup. It's just like if you have bad eyesight and you take your glasses off and everything is blurry. No matter how you squint you still don't see clearly.
Once before the Lord told me I needed to learn compassion through suffering. I'm still learning it.
I have such a deep and strong desire to help others, to support causes, to eliminate animal abuse, protect the environment, and help children. If I had $ that is where it would go.
But, we are poor, not much left, and I can only give what I have. I pray that I will find the way to strengthen my body, and find the answers to good health so I may be more productive. That is all I can hope for at this time. Perhaps tomorrow I will begin with the light.................
ps. I just tried to leave the house, got to the car and had not the energy to drive it so I came back. THAT is what I mean.
Jul 18, 2010
End of the Day
It's still the 18th, Sunday. So quiet and still except for the lull of the air conditioner which have run the entire day attempting to cool the house from the 105 degree temp. outside.
Sitting in the darkness of my room lit only by the light on my screen, I feel the quiet around me, surrounding me, as if it were a shroud. A shroud of loneliness. Besides the hurt of losing a loosing a loved one to death, being lonely is the most painful feeling I have known. Its intensity increases each time we move to a new place. I think I am a friendly person, but somehow I just don't fit in here in Folsom at all. I thought it would be so different, less isolated than when we lived on Fox Court in VA. But there I had a couple of good friends, and here I really don't have any. It's been 6 years. I cannot fathom that. Six long years with trial after trial, health, money, worry, loneliness -- such a long streak of stress and pain. No one would know , nor would I tell them of the isolation I feel inside.
Lindsey and Ben still come during the day and I delight in that Seeing them growing/learning/laughing /running and playing is a joy to behold.
All of a sudden I hear a howl, oh, that's Angel my sweet Labrador singing -- she only sings to certain music but when she does, its crazy! The two labs, Angel and Harrison are exhausted from the dog park run they had, and they will sleep great and hopefully so will I.
The starts and blackened night are in the sky above me now. Stillness surrounds me. Where is the peace I seek? the hope and the dream of a better day. I wait upon the Lord to bless my life and I know he will. I know he will. So as the dreams fill my sleeping mind, my body and soul receive their nourishment,
Sitting in the darkness of my room lit only by the light on my screen, I feel the quiet around me, surrounding me, as if it were a shroud. A shroud of loneliness. Besides the hurt of losing a loosing a loved one to death, being lonely is the most painful feeling I have known. Its intensity increases each time we move to a new place. I think I am a friendly person, but somehow I just don't fit in here in Folsom at all. I thought it would be so different, less isolated than when we lived on Fox Court in VA. But there I had a couple of good friends, and here I really don't have any. It's been 6 years. I cannot fathom that. Six long years with trial after trial, health, money, worry, loneliness -- such a long streak of stress and pain. No one would know , nor would I tell them of the isolation I feel inside.
Lindsey and Ben still come during the day and I delight in that Seeing them growing/learning/laughing /running and playing is a joy to behold.
All of a sudden I hear a howl, oh, that's Angel my sweet Labrador singing -- she only sings to certain music but when she does, its crazy! The two labs, Angel and Harrison are exhausted from the dog park run they had, and they will sleep great and hopefully so will I.
The starts and blackened night are in the sky above me now. Stillness surrounds me. Where is the peace I seek? the hope and the dream of a better day. I wait upon the Lord to bless my life and I know he will. I know he will. So as the dreams fill my sleeping mind, my body and soul receive their nourishment,
Here we go again
July 18, 2010
Life is but a sleep and a forgetting. At least for today. I woke up not even knowing what day it was and had to turn on the news to find out it was Sunday. Though it is 10:20, Richard is still sleeping.
The dogs are sleeping at my feet dreaming of the park and running with the other dogs. How do I know? The way their body's quiver in running motions as they dream. So it begins, another day, another week, life repeats itself in so many ways. Most activities seem so mundane: eating, sleeping, cleaning, washing clothes and on and on. But then there are times that rise above the clouds like watching Johnotan's face as he accomplishes the walk between his mom and me. And this week Benj discovered music! When his Dad brought him over, he was excited to announce he got his own CD from Wendy's ... an America's get talent CD with dance Music. Then the marathon began : he listened to it, and listened to it, and we listened to it, and Richard listened to it, and then Lindsey said "I can't stand it" and promptly pulled the plug out!" But Benj just moved the player to the other room. He is only 5 but he likes what he likes and he likes it over and over. Like the Cat and the Hat video that has been played 100 times, the Stuart Little 2 and Toy Story 2, followed by Stuart Little 3 and Toy Story 3. Oh, did I mention his favorite foods? Mac and cheese for lunch for 3 years :) Now Bologna sandwiches, cheese, banana Popsicle and frozen pop sticks. What fun we have with him. :)
The morning today began cool so I had time to clean out some of the tangled mass of weeds and morning glory overgrowth in the yard. My gardening expertise has suffered since living here in Folsom. Small yard, wrong sun angle, lousy soil. Recalling with grief the beautiful home and garden we left behind in Virginia. Oh, that is another entire subject which I can't approach without a box of Kleenex nearby.
Life is but a sleep and a forgetting. At least for today. I woke up not even knowing what day it was and had to turn on the news to find out it was Sunday. Though it is 10:20, Richard is still sleeping.
The dogs are sleeping at my feet dreaming of the park and running with the other dogs. How do I know? The way their body's quiver in running motions as they dream. So it begins, another day, another week, life repeats itself in so many ways. Most activities seem so mundane: eating, sleeping, cleaning, washing clothes and on and on. But then there are times that rise above the clouds like watching Johnotan's face as he accomplishes the walk between his mom and me. And this week Benj discovered music! When his Dad brought him over, he was excited to announce he got his own CD from Wendy's ... an America's get talent CD with dance Music. Then the marathon began : he listened to it, and listened to it, and we listened to it, and Richard listened to it, and then Lindsey said "I can't stand it" and promptly pulled the plug out!" But Benj just moved the player to the other room. He is only 5 but he likes what he likes and he likes it over and over. Like the Cat and the Hat video that has been played 100 times, the Stuart Little 2 and Toy Story 2, followed by Stuart Little 3 and Toy Story 3. Oh, did I mention his favorite foods? Mac and cheese for lunch for 3 years :) Now Bologna sandwiches, cheese, banana Popsicle and frozen pop sticks. What fun we have with him. :)
The morning today began cool so I had time to clean out some of the tangled mass of weeds and morning glory overgrowth in the yard. My gardening expertise has suffered since living here in Folsom. Small yard, wrong sun angle, lousy soil. Recalling with grief the beautiful home and garden we left behind in Virginia. Oh, that is another entire subject which I can't approach without a box of Kleenex nearby.
The Beginning.
So I have begun to fly on the Wings of the Butterfly. This blog will be dedicated to recording my observations, thoughts, and feelings that perhaps after longs travels on the winds and storms of life I can make sense of the senseless, see through the darkness, and embrace the light.
The idea that I am turning 65 is beyond my comprehension. What is a life that goes like speed of lightning though storms and through sunshine turning hours and days into vapor? But here I am and I must begin but as I go forward, I shall also go back as the memories ebb and flow through my mind. This is a journey of thought, and a quest for understanding and expression for life is so fast in happening it is like being cloaked in space and time without beginning or end, and only the past to remember and the future to look toward.
This is 2010 - and the latter days storms are swirling with fierceness upon the world that I find myself in. Often I must brace against the push of the devastating winds of evil that are the forces upon every living thing upon the world. For this is truly the latter days, a time of trouble and turbulence that the Prophets warned about. What I write hear will be my letter to progeny that they may know that I was true and faithful and lived with my faith and heart to overcome, to make the world a better place for them to live in and eternity for them to come to.
The idea that I am turning 65 is beyond my comprehension. What is a life that goes like speed of lightning though storms and through sunshine turning hours and days into vapor? But here I am and I must begin but as I go forward, I shall also go back as the memories ebb and flow through my mind. This is a journey of thought, and a quest for understanding and expression for life is so fast in happening it is like being cloaked in space and time without beginning or end, and only the past to remember and the future to look toward.
This is 2010 - and the latter days storms are swirling with fierceness upon the world that I find myself in. Often I must brace against the push of the devastating winds of evil that are the forces upon every living thing upon the world. For this is truly the latter days, a time of trouble and turbulence that the Prophets warned about. What I write hear will be my letter to progeny that they may know that I was true and faithful and lived with my faith and heart to overcome, to make the world a better place for them to live in and eternity for them to come to.
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