The cost of war, the broken hearted fathers, mothers, children? why?
How many need to die for men to see, feel, know that war is wrong? There is nothing that is worth the heavy toll upon the hearts of mankind!
A NEW YEAR TO: H*O*P*E - P*R*A*Y - B*E*L*I*E*V*E !!!
These are the faces of the fallen:
Dec 31, 2010
A year Ends and Year begins
My thoughts in the last hours of 2010. As this year ends, I look back and wonder and look forward and wonder more. What will the new year bring?
Dec 29, 2010
Butterfly Wishes
I would love to be a Butterfly if only for a day. One wonderful glorious day. What splendor it would be to glide upon the air and taste the nectar of the flowers and dance from here to there at my whim. As God Almighty takes care of every living creature upon this earth I would sense his watchful eye upon my movement upon the open air, and then would have peace knowing I was not alone.
Along with the power of wings, I would wish for the gift of stardust that I might sprinkle upon all that was touched with the wind under my wings. The stardust would scatter and spread like embers from a crackling fire and possess the power to heal, shed love, light and understanding, and touch each heart with joy! That would be my wish.
But I am trapped in this body of flesh and blood and stranded on the orb called earth where reality is a dark and dreary wilderness that at times has power to stop even the faintest beat of wings of any kind to fit my fancy of dreams. At times it's like I am caught in the sticky web of a spider, struggling to be free.
Every day there is another heartache in the world. I only have a glimpse through the narrow opening of my experiences. If I did not have a knowledge of God and his purpose in my life, I would surely be like the empty shell cast off from the Butterflies prior worm life that dries to dust and is then blown away by a cold winter's wind.
Along with the power of wings, I would wish for the gift of stardust that I might sprinkle upon all that was touched with the wind under my wings. The stardust would scatter and spread like embers from a crackling fire and possess the power to heal, shed love, light and understanding, and touch each heart with joy! That would be my wish.
But I am trapped in this body of flesh and blood and stranded on the orb called earth where reality is a dark and dreary wilderness that at times has power to stop even the faintest beat of wings of any kind to fit my fancy of dreams. At times it's like I am caught in the sticky web of a spider, struggling to be free.
Every day there is another heartache in the world. I only have a glimpse through the narrow opening of my experiences. If I did not have a knowledge of God and his purpose in my life, I would surely be like the empty shell cast off from the Butterflies prior worm life that dries to dust and is then blown away by a cold winter's wind.
Dec 24, 2010
Alone on Christmas Eve
It's a Friday. Well laid plans got botched up when we arrived at Kevin's only to find they had gone out. A call at 20 past 8, found me too tired to go out again. This Christmastime so far has been spent in a maze, obstacles and upsets every step a long the way has prevented any progress for me. I had children to care for up until the yesterday. No time to shop and no desire to do much. Tomorrow may be peaceful and fun with a visit over to K & T's for dinner. Money is so tight and health so fragile, this year Christmas finds me too tired and poor to really enjoy it.
But I also have good things in my life and I need to be grateful and look on the bright side. America hasn't collapsed - at least not yet - we still have freedom. And I have learned the thing that most stresses me (caring for children) is certainly the thing that most blesses me (being with the children). So while I am short on time and money and big on stress, I am over showered with the blessings of watching children grow and spend time with them. A glimpse every now and then into the mind and heart of a child is like passing under the light of heaven and feeling the glow pass through your soul.
One precious moment from this week was listening to 5 year old Benjamin say while attempting to build things with the magnetic set: "I'm trying so hard not to be a baby. I really want to make something that will be like I'm a big boy". His sincerity showing on his face and the look of honesty in his eyes gave me a startle and touch a cord on my heart strings. Oh, my, the precious pure expression of honest thoughts so overflowing from a child's lips that over time will be lost to cautiousness. If that were the only moment out of the week, the stress and difficulties are overshadowed by the brightness of the sun at noon day.
My facebook friends are all over the world now. Many of them live in countries that are facing wars and hardships that is beyond the scope of my experience and leave me with a sense of helplessness. Oh, how I wish the world would find peace, that the wars would end, that the greed and the pride of the Nations would be crushed and in it's place there would be compassion and love. I truly cannot bear the knowledge of so much suffering, it is a heavy burden on my heart. I pray to God for the Savior to come quickly and bring with Him the promised Peace and to bind Satan that he may not control the hearts of men any more.
My dogs sleep beside me on the couch. Their slow and even breathing are comforting to my melancholy heart. It is quiet and still. The only sound is the hum of the Refrigerator. I think of the child who lay in the manger and his lovely mother that cared for Him. There are no words to express my love for him. I am grateful for Christmas, for the message it brings. Nothing really matters in the end then, does it. Only the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the plan of salvation, the continuing of eternal family relationships. That's all there is.
But I also have good things in my life and I need to be grateful and look on the bright side. America hasn't collapsed - at least not yet - we still have freedom. And I have learned the thing that most stresses me (caring for children) is certainly the thing that most blesses me (being with the children). So while I am short on time and money and big on stress, I am over showered with the blessings of watching children grow and spend time with them. A glimpse every now and then into the mind and heart of a child is like passing under the light of heaven and feeling the glow pass through your soul.
One precious moment from this week was listening to 5 year old Benjamin say while attempting to build things with the magnetic set: "I'm trying so hard not to be a baby. I really want to make something that will be like I'm a big boy". His sincerity showing on his face and the look of honesty in his eyes gave me a startle and touch a cord on my heart strings. Oh, my, the precious pure expression of honest thoughts so overflowing from a child's lips that over time will be lost to cautiousness. If that were the only moment out of the week, the stress and difficulties are overshadowed by the brightness of the sun at noon day.
My facebook friends are all over the world now. Many of them live in countries that are facing wars and hardships that is beyond the scope of my experience and leave me with a sense of helplessness. Oh, how I wish the world would find peace, that the wars would end, that the greed and the pride of the Nations would be crushed and in it's place there would be compassion and love. I truly cannot bear the knowledge of so much suffering, it is a heavy burden on my heart. I pray to God for the Savior to come quickly and bring with Him the promised Peace and to bind Satan that he may not control the hearts of men any more.
My dogs sleep beside me on the couch. Their slow and even breathing are comforting to my melancholy heart. It is quiet and still. The only sound is the hum of the Refrigerator. I think of the child who lay in the manger and his lovely mother that cared for Him. There are no words to express my love for him. I am grateful for Christmas, for the message it brings. Nothing really matters in the end then, does it. Only the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the plan of salvation, the continuing of eternal family relationships. That's all there is.
Dec 23, 2010
War and Peace and Christmas
December 23, 2010
It is almost Christmas here in Sacramento, California and today we put up my collection of lighted houses upon the long shelve above the kitchen windows. While the joys of baking chocolate chip cookies and the sound of children's laughter fill my daytime, there are also those things that weigh on the heart and soul in spite of the anticipated Holiday.
I have found the world at my fingertips through Facebook. Each day I read the posts from around the world: Ghana, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Tonisia, England, Australia, and the USA. And I check the news blogs to read the current events. Many of them reveal death and destruction, disease and chaos, storms and wars, that leave a trail of sorrow and grief around the world.
Today my friend who lives in Gaza was attending a meeting and asked me to comment on his photo. If you don't already know it, Gaza is a living prison literally walled off from the rest of the thriving world. My friend was born there and has lived in Gaza his entire life. The pictures on his posts reveal surroundings of the horrible destruction of war; buildings leveled to the ground by bombs and grenades, and mounds of rubble littering the streets and where the walls left standing are defaced with graffiti. The scene is a taste of hell on earth but yet, appears a picture of him with a smile on his face and a camera in his hand walking seemingly untouched by the chaos which surrounds him. Without knowing it my friend has given me renewed hope in the profound ability mankind possess to overcome adversity and rise above the 'ashes'.
America is at war. The war is within as much as it is outside its borders. The fight within is one between good and evil. After the 9/11 attack on the Twin Towers in NYC, our government decided to attach Iraq. Since then thousands are dead in both countries and while we were pulling our troops from Iraq, another president decided to send them to Afghanistan. There has been no end to the sorrows these wars have caused our citizens and the people of the countries we invade. Death and destruction are a daily occurrence filling the airwaves with stories of bombings and killings around the globe. I wonder if I will live to see the end of war but in my heart I feel we are just warming up to the Great War that will end all of it. God in his wrath is holding back the destroying angels to come at a time when mankind will be ripe with iniquity and that time is very near at hand.
It is almost Christmas here in Sacramento, California and today we put up my collection of lighted houses upon the long shelve above the kitchen windows. While the joys of baking chocolate chip cookies and the sound of children's laughter fill my daytime, there are also those things that weigh on the heart and soul in spite of the anticipated Holiday.
I have found the world at my fingertips through Facebook. Each day I read the posts from around the world: Ghana, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Tonisia, England, Australia, and the USA. And I check the news blogs to read the current events. Many of them reveal death and destruction, disease and chaos, storms and wars, that leave a trail of sorrow and grief around the world.
Today my friend who lives in Gaza was attending a meeting and asked me to comment on his photo. If you don't already know it, Gaza is a living prison literally walled off from the rest of the thriving world. My friend was born there and has lived in Gaza his entire life. The pictures on his posts reveal surroundings of the horrible destruction of war; buildings leveled to the ground by bombs and grenades, and mounds of rubble littering the streets and where the walls left standing are defaced with graffiti. The scene is a taste of hell on earth but yet, appears a picture of him with a smile on his face and a camera in his hand walking seemingly untouched by the chaos which surrounds him. Without knowing it my friend has given me renewed hope in the profound ability mankind possess to overcome adversity and rise above the 'ashes'.
America is at war. The war is within as much as it is outside its borders. The fight within is one between good and evil. After the 9/11 attack on the Twin Towers in NYC, our government decided to attach Iraq. Since then thousands are dead in both countries and while we were pulling our troops from Iraq, another president decided to send them to Afghanistan. There has been no end to the sorrows these wars have caused our citizens and the people of the countries we invade. Death and destruction are a daily occurrence filling the airwaves with stories of bombings and killings around the globe. I wonder if I will live to see the end of war but in my heart I feel we are just warming up to the Great War that will end all of it. God in his wrath is holding back the destroying angels to come at a time when mankind will be ripe with iniquity and that time is very near at hand.
Dec 19, 2010
Babies butchered and its all legal :(
Days melt into weeks and then months in a never-ending cycle of sun-filled days and dark nights. As the blending of time beats on its own rhythm so it is that my travels upon this earth have a certain rhythm and constant beat. Often I am sad. Sometimes I am happy but measure those in moments. Times have been difficult and trying of late. The entire world is in commotion in constant flutter of good and evil, war and peace, screams and songs; the constant conflicts of life tick on with every click of the hands of the clock.
I often wish for peace. Peace has been the focus of my searching these past few weeks. The wars and conflicts in the world around me are like a vise, closing tighter and tighter while I gasp for air. At times my heart yearns for solitude but my mind won't allow it. I wish to walk in the light with my eyes shut tight but then my curiosity prevents the escape and I read the news or turn on the tv only to discover that sin, murder, hate, war, sorrow, slander, conflict are alive and thriving within the hearts of man as they always had since the times of Adam.
Babies are being aborted from their mother's wombs as fast as lightening strikes and as often the clock ticks. A friend posted a FB video with scenes of horror in flesh and blood. I could not look at it all. Our country is doomed to ruin for God will not allow the continuation of slaughter of the innocent that has been a decree in the name of 'free choice' for far too long. Those of sane mind and pure hearts see through the disguises that evil men have dressed up the crime to appear to be like a flower instead of the bloody dagger that it really is. Aborted fetuses lie drenched in blood on stainless steel shelves like leftover garbage in the name of 'a woman's right to choose'. This of course is in opposition to 'a child's right to live'. The advocates of this barbaric practice are ugly monsters dressed up as caring humans who distort the truth and kill with their 'good' intent. No doubt Avenging Angels of destruction are standing at the door waiting for the trumpets call to destroy the wicked and end the insanity once and for all. Until then, we stand apart helpless - bystanders at a Holocaust unfolds before our tear-drenched eyes trying not to look but seeing just the same and shrinking at the horrible sight.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RyKc6nPw6C4&feature=related
I often wish for peace. Peace has been the focus of my searching these past few weeks. The wars and conflicts in the world around me are like a vise, closing tighter and tighter while I gasp for air. At times my heart yearns for solitude but my mind won't allow it. I wish to walk in the light with my eyes shut tight but then my curiosity prevents the escape and I read the news or turn on the tv only to discover that sin, murder, hate, war, sorrow, slander, conflict are alive and thriving within the hearts of man as they always had since the times of Adam.
Babies are being aborted from their mother's wombs as fast as lightening strikes and as often the clock ticks. A friend posted a FB video with scenes of horror in flesh and blood. I could not look at it all. Our country is doomed to ruin for God will not allow the continuation of slaughter of the innocent that has been a decree in the name of 'free choice' for far too long. Those of sane mind and pure hearts see through the disguises that evil men have dressed up the crime to appear to be like a flower instead of the bloody dagger that it really is. Aborted fetuses lie drenched in blood on stainless steel shelves like leftover garbage in the name of 'a woman's right to choose'. This of course is in opposition to 'a child's right to live'. The advocates of this barbaric practice are ugly monsters dressed up as caring humans who distort the truth and kill with their 'good' intent. No doubt Avenging Angels of destruction are standing at the door waiting for the trumpets call to destroy the wicked and end the insanity once and for all. Until then, we stand apart helpless - bystanders at a Holocaust unfolds before our tear-drenched eyes trying not to look but seeing just the same and shrinking at the horrible sight.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RyKc6nPw6C4&feature=related
Nov 11, 2010
Piles of Leaves
November 11, Veteran's Day
I'm feeling grateful for our warriors - both those of today and those of the past. I was especially reminded today about Moroni and the story of the Title of Liberty!
I'm feeling grateful for our warriors - both those of today and those of the past. I was especially reminded today about Moroni and the story of the Title of Liberty!
"And he fastened on his head-plate, and his breastplate, and his shields, and girded on his armor about his loins; and he took the pole, which had on the end thereof his rent coat, (and he called it the title of liberty) and he bowed himself to the earth, and he prayed mightily unto his God for the blessings of liberty to rest upon his brethren, so long as there should a band of Christians remain to possess the land—"
I am praying that the Lord will raise up righteous leaders at this time, we so much need to be led by those who have a belief in God and Liberty. At times I fear for our country, and my children and their children and so on.
Often I recall the story of my Great Grandfather Gustaf Hillstrom who was so happy to become and American. On the day he received his citizenship, they say he ran down the street waving his certificate and shouting in his strong Swedish accent "I'm an American! I'm an American!" So to So him and all my other ancestor I have a deep and abiding gratitude for what they sacrificed and the gift that I was given - to be born and live in a free land, the promised land. That's why I vote, that's why I study the news and support in any way I can those that chose to protect our freedoms.
Otherwise , today is just another day. The sun is shinning and I helped my lawn guy, Norbert, rake the mountains of leaves in my front yard filling up two huge green waste barrels along with 1/2 of the other barrel. We had a long conversation about Freedom. He moved to America from Hungary so he has insight into the problems of socialism facing our country. What a refreshing view to speak with him, one of the few I can dialogue with about the political atmosphere in our country. He understands.
Something significant about the leaves, the messages and the memories. I have raked many leaves. I planted an enormous Maple tree in front of the porch of my childhood home on Althea Street, Warwick RI. The last picture I have of that house, taken after dad died, the tree then was bigger than the house! I think I wrote a poem about it; how I found it in the woods as a young girl of about 10 years old and dragged a shovel to the woods , dug it up and replanted it in its special place in front of our house. Year after year the tree bloomed and grew and year after year the leaves turned and fell on to infinity as it seemed to me. I will never forget that maple tree and times I sat beneath it, the day I watched the Hurricane of '54 bend it's branches, and the day my brother, dad, and I stood near it for our Easter photo. How could that be such a vivid scene in my mind when days unnumbered had passed by since? Some things are never forgotten but cherished always.
A sister dropped off our food order. So grateful that the church helps us with our food, taxes are due and how will we pay them? The outrageous sum of $1,860.00! I have faith in God, he will help us. Last week I almost through away a bunch of paperwork; before I did I found one and something told me to look inside. I did and found $300 dollars! I did not remember why or when I put it there. I paid my tithing the day before! (smile).
Battling health problems still but this week progress. Dr. told me to increase the thyroid medication and gave me something for pain. Getting older is not fun, but with determination I will ride the roller coaster with grace and wit.
Today the quiet is stilling and sweet, with the soft light of the sun streaming through the blinds and sheer curtains leaving pretty patters of light and shadow on the walls. Sometimes these bedroom walls feel like a prison, keeping me from life due to the tired depressed state of my body; but not today. Today the walls are a sanctuary and a protector, like arms surrounding me, keeping me from the turmoil of the world and the struggles that are a daily battle. Today, I will chose to be happy and grateful for all I have.
I am praying that the Lord will raise up righteous leaders at this time, we so much need to be led by those who have a belief in God and Liberty. At times I fear for our country, and my children and their children and so on.
Often I recall the story of my Great Grandfather Gustaf Hillstrom who was so happy to become and American. On the day he received his citizenship, they say he ran down the street waving his certificate and shouting in his strong Swedish accent "I'm an American! I'm an American!" So to So him and all my other ancestor I have a deep and abiding gratitude for what they sacrificed and the gift that I was given - to be born and live in a free land, the promised land. That's why I vote, that's why I study the news and support in any way I can those that chose to protect our freedoms.
Otherwise , today is just another day. The sun is shinning and I helped my lawn guy, Norbert, rake the mountains of leaves in my front yard filling up two huge green waste barrels along with 1/2 of the other barrel. We had a long conversation about Freedom. He moved to America from Hungary so he has insight into the problems of socialism facing our country. What a refreshing view to speak with him, one of the few I can dialogue with about the political atmosphere in our country. He understands.
Something significant about the leaves, the messages and the memories. I have raked many leaves. I planted an enormous Maple tree in front of the porch of my childhood home on Althea Street, Warwick RI. The last picture I have of that house, taken after dad died, the tree then was bigger than the house! I think I wrote a poem about it; how I found it in the woods as a young girl of about 10 years old and dragged a shovel to the woods , dug it up and replanted it in its special place in front of our house. Year after year the tree bloomed and grew and year after year the leaves turned and fell on to infinity as it seemed to me. I will never forget that maple tree and times I sat beneath it, the day I watched the Hurricane of '54 bend it's branches, and the day my brother, dad, and I stood near it for our Easter photo. How could that be such a vivid scene in my mind when days unnumbered had passed by since? Some things are never forgotten but cherished always.
A sister dropped off our food order. So grateful that the church helps us with our food, taxes are due and how will we pay them? The outrageous sum of $1,860.00! I have faith in God, he will help us. Last week I almost through away a bunch of paperwork; before I did I found one and something told me to look inside. I did and found $300 dollars! I did not remember why or when I put it there. I paid my tithing the day before! (smile).
Battling health problems still but this week progress. Dr. told me to increase the thyroid medication and gave me something for pain. Getting older is not fun, but with determination I will ride the roller coaster with grace and wit.
Today the quiet is stilling and sweet, with the soft light of the sun streaming through the blinds and sheer curtains leaving pretty patters of light and shadow on the walls. Sometimes these bedroom walls feel like a prison, keeping me from life due to the tired depressed state of my body; but not today. Today the walls are a sanctuary and a protector, like arms surrounding me, keeping me from the turmoil of the world and the struggles that are a daily battle. Today, I will chose to be happy and grateful for all I have.
Nov 8, 2010
Flying on the wind
That's how I feel my time has gone, straight up into the sky on the unseen winds of daily struggles with the highs and lows of life.
I went to Walmart again tonight to pick up a few more costumes at their 75% off sale. Lindsey and Benj had soooo much fun being Transformer/Army Guy and Nurse/Wonder women. Tomorrow they can chose between Star Wars and Bat Girl!! What a fun idea, and the price was 3 to 4 each! That's the kind of sales I love.
Walking out after looking a prices, my mind was contemplating the current situation of our world and wondering how and when did things get so dismal? Prices for everything is inflated to about 4 times what they should be - ie. I wanted to buy a page magnifier to help me see the print when studying the scriptures. Mouth hung open, I gasped when I saw the price of $11.95!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What how can that be? Put it back on the shelf about as quick as dropping a hot coal! I'll just have to get better glasses or bigger print!!
Oh, that's not all, EVERYTHING is too darn high! Putting things in the shopping cart and returning them to the shelf when half way done shopping has become the norm.
Then there is this thing about the Country, the state we are in is not good and every day there is another political worry. President is the worst we ever had and now he is over in India telling them our country is in a "decline". Like, we don't look weak enough. urgh.
I went to Walmart again tonight to pick up a few more costumes at their 75% off sale. Lindsey and Benj had soooo much fun being Transformer/Army Guy and Nurse/Wonder women. Tomorrow they can chose between Star Wars and Bat Girl!! What a fun idea, and the price was 3 to 4 each! That's the kind of sales I love.
Walking out after looking a prices, my mind was contemplating the current situation of our world and wondering how and when did things get so dismal? Prices for everything is inflated to about 4 times what they should be - ie. I wanted to buy a page magnifier to help me see the print when studying the scriptures. Mouth hung open, I gasped when I saw the price of $11.95!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What how can that be? Put it back on the shelf about as quick as dropping a hot coal! I'll just have to get better glasses or bigger print!!
Oh, that's not all, EVERYTHING is too darn high! Putting things in the shopping cart and returning them to the shelf when half way done shopping has become the norm.
Then there is this thing about the Country, the state we are in is not good and every day there is another political worry. President is the worst we ever had and now he is over in India telling them our country is in a "decline". Like, we don't look weak enough. urgh.
Sep 4, 2010
Here I am again
Another day, and I'm trying so hard not to cry but the emptiness inside is crushing. The sun is out and I am here in my room sans energy, sans desire, sans motivations.
I think if I could be anybody but myself today maybe I could find some type of peace. Just a hopeless overwhelming feeling choking me so I can hardly breathe. What is wrong with me? I just feel sooooooooooooooo hopeless and alone and guilty that I feel that way. I just so long for yesterday.
When I was a kid, Lynn and I would pick the wild grapes in the woods and gather the flowers from Mr. Bougese's compost pile. (he had a local greenhouse/flower business.) Oh how my childhood days of fantasy were filled with dreams and wishes and hope. I just can't get them back.
It's another holiday weekend and we have no where to go or do. We got a $4000 bill for back taxes and I don't know how that will be paid. AND if one more person tells me how wonderful their vacation is or how much money they made this year, I will scream till blood gushes out of my pores.
That's it. Can't even write any more right now. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
I think if I could be anybody but myself today maybe I could find some type of peace. Just a hopeless overwhelming feeling choking me so I can hardly breathe. What is wrong with me? I just feel sooooooooooooooo hopeless and alone and guilty that I feel that way. I just so long for yesterday.
When I was a kid, Lynn and I would pick the wild grapes in the woods and gather the flowers from Mr. Bougese's compost pile. (he had a local greenhouse/flower business.) Oh how my childhood days of fantasy were filled with dreams and wishes and hope. I just can't get them back.
It's another holiday weekend and we have no where to go or do. We got a $4000 bill for back taxes and I don't know how that will be paid. AND if one more person tells me how wonderful their vacation is or how much money they made this year, I will scream till blood gushes out of my pores.
That's it. Can't even write any more right now. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
Sep 3, 2010
September begins
I realized today how sick my husband is. He is forgetting more and more. We thought the water aerobics would be good for him, but he seems to be getting worse. Every day I see a decline in his ability to remember simple things. And the fatigue seems every present. He complains about headaches and being tired. I don't know anymore what is wrong.
It's overwhelming to say the least how difficult these past several years have been. It takes all my strength to keep going and not give up.
If there were a way to know for sure what is wrong and how to treat it the problem would not be so overwhelming.
We both turn 65 but never thought in my life we would find ourselves in the middle of nowhere in our lives. But, I know Heavenly Father loves us and the eternities is what we seek our reward in. So for that there is hope.
All around the world is in commotion. There are wars, and troubles everywhere. Just like the scriptures predicted: fathers and mothers kill their children; children kill their parents.; so many things that just don't make any sense at all. Our Government is corrupted with greedy power hungry people and our Presidency is leaning toward socialism. It's difficult to live in a world of sorrow and pain. I hope the Savior comes soon and puts an end to all the strife.
It's overwhelming to say the least how difficult these past several years have been. It takes all my strength to keep going and not give up.
If there were a way to know for sure what is wrong and how to treat it the problem would not be so overwhelming.
We both turn 65 but never thought in my life we would find ourselves in the middle of nowhere in our lives. But, I know Heavenly Father loves us and the eternities is what we seek our reward in. So for that there is hope.
All around the world is in commotion. There are wars, and troubles everywhere. Just like the scriptures predicted: fathers and mothers kill their children; children kill their parents.; so many things that just don't make any sense at all. Our Government is corrupted with greedy power hungry people and our Presidency is leaning toward socialism. It's difficult to live in a world of sorrow and pain. I hope the Savior comes soon and puts an end to all the strife.
Aug 29, 2010
A Favorite Poem-New Friends, Old Friends
New Friends and Old Friends
Joseph Parry
1841-1903
Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold.
New-made friendships, like new wine,
Age will mellow and refine.
Friendships that have stood the test--
Time and change--are surely best;
Brow may wrinkle, hair grow gray,
Friendship never knows decay.
For 'mid old friends, tried and true,
Once more we our youth renew.
But old friends, alas! may die,
New friends must their place supply.
Cherish friendship in your breast--
New is good, but old is best;
Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold.
Joseph Parry
1841-1903
Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold.
New-made friendships, like new wine,
Age will mellow and refine.
Friendships that have stood the test--
Time and change--are surely best;
Brow may wrinkle, hair grow gray,
Friendship never knows decay.
For 'mid old friends, tried and true,
Once more we our youth renew.
But old friends, alas! may die,
New friends must their place supply.
Cherish friendship in your breast--
New is good, but old is best;
Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold.
Aug 28, 2010
Saturday Night
Aug 28, 2010
Out to dinner with K & T & R. Marie Calendars 1/2 price deal=burgers/fries and pies! Had fun. But, learned NEVER mention politics with Kevin - I thought he would explode. He hates anything to do with the mention of it. So, that was a big shock, keep my mouth shut will be my motto around it. But it's hard, my feelings run deep through and through when it comes to protecting our freedoms and allegiances to our country. Sad that I can't share what is so dear to my heart - the preserving of liberty and the values our country is founded on.
That's a part of my psyche that is ingrained within my spirit. I remember the stories about my ancestors and the sacrifices of coming to America. I one wrote a road show about it and we won 1st place.
What is going on in the country today is dangerous and will cause the constitution to fall if the good people in the country don't unite behind the movement to stop it. Socialistic theories and policies are being spread around like jelly on toast! And people with a lot of money are buying their way into leadership positions. Prophets have warned and warned the nation, but people are turning away the missionaries and other countries out do USA in baptisms. We know we are in last days and close to the second coming of our Lord. I hope I can hang on, sometimes its hard, most of the time its hard just going about daily chores. I need to strengthen my testimony.
Out to dinner with K & T & R. Marie Calendars 1/2 price deal=burgers/fries and pies! Had fun. But, learned NEVER mention politics with Kevin - I thought he would explode. He hates anything to do with the mention of it. So, that was a big shock, keep my mouth shut will be my motto around it. But it's hard, my feelings run deep through and through when it comes to protecting our freedoms and allegiances to our country. Sad that I can't share what is so dear to my heart - the preserving of liberty and the values our country is founded on.
That's a part of my psyche that is ingrained within my spirit. I remember the stories about my ancestors and the sacrifices of coming to America. I one wrote a road show about it and we won 1st place.
What is going on in the country today is dangerous and will cause the constitution to fall if the good people in the country don't unite behind the movement to stop it. Socialistic theories and policies are being spread around like jelly on toast! And people with a lot of money are buying their way into leadership positions. Prophets have warned and warned the nation, but people are turning away the missionaries and other countries out do USA in baptisms. We know we are in last days and close to the second coming of our Lord. I hope I can hang on, sometimes its hard, most of the time its hard just going about daily chores. I need to strengthen my testimony.
Aug 27, 2010
The dark again
August 27, 2010
Today as well as the last few days I spent in the dark and dreary wilderness which holds me captive. I can't find words enough to describe the pain. And no one else really wants to hear it. But I wish I could scream and all the sorrow trapped inside my heart would spew out of my mouth and never come back. It is a difficult situation which is even more painful living with my husband who forgets important things. Yesterday he was suppose to wait for Ben who would be late but decided to go out back and clean his bird cage. When Melissa tried to drop Benj off, she didn't know he was here. Short story is she was upset and I felt the blood drain out of my body only to be replaced with an ugly anger. Thus followed the hours of tiredness combined with tears and wanting my life to end. It is amazing how problems like this can throw me into a cauldron of hot coals. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
Today as well as the last few days I spent in the dark and dreary wilderness which holds me captive. I can't find words enough to describe the pain. And no one else really wants to hear it. But I wish I could scream and all the sorrow trapped inside my heart would spew out of my mouth and never come back. It is a difficult situation which is even more painful living with my husband who forgets important things. Yesterday he was suppose to wait for Ben who would be late but decided to go out back and clean his bird cage. When Melissa tried to drop Benj off, she didn't know he was here. Short story is she was upset and I felt the blood drain out of my body only to be replaced with an ugly anger. Thus followed the hours of tiredness combined with tears and wanting my life to end. It is amazing how problems like this can throw me into a cauldron of hot coals. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
Aug 25, 2010
August 24, 2010
I WISH today that I could reach through the curtain of yesterday and pull it inside out. Then I might stand within an old familiar moment and taste the fragrance of long ago when flowers danced in the wind and the heavens surrounded me with joy. Often I feel as though my feet are standing in long ago times of carefree journeys where paths through unfamiliar woods would lure me into secret discoveries. When feeling this overpowering emotion, I can not breathe. Today is here and now. Yet, I lack desire to dwell in the dreary now! These days are often marred by loneliness and sorrows and heaviness and of trudging onward without a view from above. I see only the long and endless road. The dark and endless path with a small wisp of light at the tunnels end that beckons my heart to hope. "Be still my soul", is a whisper in my mind. Yet in the quiet evening reflection a heaviness surrounds me and the weariness of the days begins to envelope my senses like scenes in a haunted dream.
I WISH today that I could reach through the curtain of yesterday and pull it inside out. Then I might stand within an old familiar moment and taste the fragrance of long ago when flowers danced in the wind and the heavens surrounded me with joy. Often I feel as though my feet are standing in long ago times of carefree journeys where paths through unfamiliar woods would lure me into secret discoveries. When feeling this overpowering emotion, I can not breathe. Today is here and now. Yet, I lack desire to dwell in the dreary now! These days are often marred by loneliness and sorrows and heaviness and of trudging onward without a view from above. I see only the long and endless road. The dark and endless path with a small wisp of light at the tunnels end that beckons my heart to hope. "Be still my soul", is a whisper in my mind. Yet in the quiet evening reflection a heaviness surrounds me and the weariness of the days begins to envelope my senses like scenes in a haunted dream.
Jul 25, 2010
It's Sunday
Today is Sabbath, and I should be at church. Here I am at home - again. Got up too late; felt too sick, tired, and sore. Health and how I feel about myself is like a granite mountain standing in the way of my footsteps traveling on the road to forever. And I feel like it is forever since feeling totally well - physically and spiritually.
Isolation - again - looming all around. There are those I have lost - friends, family, animals. These left a hole in my heart and soul.And so it is as though life is like a 'trial by fire" from which I must emerge unscathed. There is nothing so painful as the pain of loneliness and that of loss. Loss of not things, but of times and of associations. Memories of my past are haunting. The family times with little children at my feet and parents visiting; holidays with all the fixings on the grand table surrounded by crowded chairs; the beach with the toddler toys in the sand; cramped cars traveling to a vacation destination. Days then filled with happiness despite the challenges. I loved listening to the children prayers and to see the innocent faces of sweetness. The looked like sleeping cherubs while they slept.
So here it is, 2010, looking back. Behind me are fields of wildflowers and rainbow skies but beyond the looming mountain there is a pervasive silence and gray. I wonder if anything will ever be good again? And then, to top that all off is the guilt. The guilt of feeling like I shouldn't be feeling this while at the same time KNOWING this is what I feel and it must be accepted. Lost dreams, shattered longings, and unkempt promises = they are the albatross that weighs upon my heart and saps the energy from any forward steps into the light.
I have a testimony still. I know the church is true, and Joseph Smith was truly a prophet. I know God lives, and that the principles of the gospel are the ones that will bring me happiness. And I also know that it still isn't easy, life is a difficult road filled with ruts and rocks and sharp turns that often leave even the most righteous wandering on the path. So do the trials come because we are not good, or do they come because we are striving with all our might to reach the heavenly summit of Celestial Glory? Often it is clear, but just as often it is not. As one looks ahead in a storm, the tranquil blue skies that lie beyond the tumultuous winds and rains are obscured from our view. And so, that is how life often feels to me. Tomorrow could be a better day. Like I have said before, depression is a horrible disease involving physical, mental, and spiritual distress and sapping one's energy and fortitude. That is the ONE great hill I must climb every day just to get back on the path, just to endue, just to be able to see the blue skies beyond the storms.
Isolation - again - looming all around. There are those I have lost - friends, family, animals. These left a hole in my heart and soul.And so it is as though life is like a 'trial by fire" from which I must emerge unscathed. There is nothing so painful as the pain of loneliness and that of loss. Loss of not things, but of times and of associations. Memories of my past are haunting. The family times with little children at my feet and parents visiting; holidays with all the fixings on the grand table surrounded by crowded chairs; the beach with the toddler toys in the sand; cramped cars traveling to a vacation destination. Days then filled with happiness despite the challenges. I loved listening to the children prayers and to see the innocent faces of sweetness. The looked like sleeping cherubs while they slept.
So here it is, 2010, looking back. Behind me are fields of wildflowers and rainbow skies but beyond the looming mountain there is a pervasive silence and gray. I wonder if anything will ever be good again? And then, to top that all off is the guilt. The guilt of feeling like I shouldn't be feeling this while at the same time KNOWING this is what I feel and it must be accepted. Lost dreams, shattered longings, and unkempt promises = they are the albatross that weighs upon my heart and saps the energy from any forward steps into the light.
I have a testimony still. I know the church is true, and Joseph Smith was truly a prophet. I know God lives, and that the principles of the gospel are the ones that will bring me happiness. And I also know that it still isn't easy, life is a difficult road filled with ruts and rocks and sharp turns that often leave even the most righteous wandering on the path. So do the trials come because we are not good, or do they come because we are striving with all our might to reach the heavenly summit of Celestial Glory? Often it is clear, but just as often it is not. As one looks ahead in a storm, the tranquil blue skies that lie beyond the tumultuous winds and rains are obscured from our view. And so, that is how life often feels to me. Tomorrow could be a better day. Like I have said before, depression is a horrible disease involving physical, mental, and spiritual distress and sapping one's energy and fortitude. That is the ONE great hill I must climb every day just to get back on the path, just to endue, just to be able to see the blue skies beyond the storms.
Jul 24, 2010
The Black
I feel like Alice in Wonderland who fell down a hole, going round and round in the darkest of the dark. That's what depression feels like. That's what this week has been like. Oh, not for any big reason, just bunches of little challenges: infection, sickness, money stresses, lack of sleep, all the things that pile up and punch you in the gut when you least expect it.
Feeling a bit overwhelmed with life I guess, not turning out the way I had hoped. I will be 65 soon and instead of looking forward to retirement, Richard and I are both wondering about survival. The last 6 years since Richards open heart surgery and serious of hospitalizations have played on tole on our lives. Just scraping by is no fun. Goodbye to the dream of a nice retirement home, one that would be paid for with the money we invested in our homes. That is gone now. And not knowing what the future holds regarding this house on Turn Pike Drive.
The government is in a turmoil, we have a socialist for a president, and government officials who spend and spend. The boarder of the US is invaded daily by criminals who bring in drugs, and alien workers who take jobs away from Americans. They say 11 to 20 million are in the country illegally, but I think it is much worse. So that is all on my mind.
Loneliness as usual is a constant battle. Feeling isolated most of the time and lacking the energy to do anything about it.
Watching Richard sit on the coach all day is quite heart breaking. This is what our life has come to in our senior years and it is really sad. I often wonder why, but that is an unanswerable questions for the heavens are silent to that one always. I must figure it out, all of it, and find my way up and out of the darkness.
If I could have any other disease I would welcome it. Then you can deal with a known problems. But depression encompasses your whole being, mind, body and spirit. Some people wrongly think it is something you can control with your mind, but it is not about that at all. It is a part of you, your biological makeup. It's just like if you have bad eyesight and you take your glasses off and everything is blurry. No matter how you squint you still don't see clearly.
Once before the Lord told me I needed to learn compassion through suffering. I'm still learning it.
I have such a deep and strong desire to help others, to support causes, to eliminate animal abuse, protect the environment, and help children. If I had $ that is where it would go.
But, we are poor, not much left, and I can only give what I have. I pray that I will find the way to strengthen my body, and find the answers to good health so I may be more productive. That is all I can hope for at this time. Perhaps tomorrow I will begin with the light.................
ps. I just tried to leave the house, got to the car and had not the energy to drive it so I came back. THAT is what I mean.
Feeling a bit overwhelmed with life I guess, not turning out the way I had hoped. I will be 65 soon and instead of looking forward to retirement, Richard and I are both wondering about survival. The last 6 years since Richards open heart surgery and serious of hospitalizations have played on tole on our lives. Just scraping by is no fun. Goodbye to the dream of a nice retirement home, one that would be paid for with the money we invested in our homes. That is gone now. And not knowing what the future holds regarding this house on Turn Pike Drive.
The government is in a turmoil, we have a socialist for a president, and government officials who spend and spend. The boarder of the US is invaded daily by criminals who bring in drugs, and alien workers who take jobs away from Americans. They say 11 to 20 million are in the country illegally, but I think it is much worse. So that is all on my mind.
Loneliness as usual is a constant battle. Feeling isolated most of the time and lacking the energy to do anything about it.
Watching Richard sit on the coach all day is quite heart breaking. This is what our life has come to in our senior years and it is really sad. I often wonder why, but that is an unanswerable questions for the heavens are silent to that one always. I must figure it out, all of it, and find my way up and out of the darkness.
If I could have any other disease I would welcome it. Then you can deal with a known problems. But depression encompasses your whole being, mind, body and spirit. Some people wrongly think it is something you can control with your mind, but it is not about that at all. It is a part of you, your biological makeup. It's just like if you have bad eyesight and you take your glasses off and everything is blurry. No matter how you squint you still don't see clearly.
Once before the Lord told me I needed to learn compassion through suffering. I'm still learning it.
I have such a deep and strong desire to help others, to support causes, to eliminate animal abuse, protect the environment, and help children. If I had $ that is where it would go.
But, we are poor, not much left, and I can only give what I have. I pray that I will find the way to strengthen my body, and find the answers to good health so I may be more productive. That is all I can hope for at this time. Perhaps tomorrow I will begin with the light.................
ps. I just tried to leave the house, got to the car and had not the energy to drive it so I came back. THAT is what I mean.
Jul 18, 2010
End of the Day
It's still the 18th, Sunday. So quiet and still except for the lull of the air conditioner which have run the entire day attempting to cool the house from the 105 degree temp. outside.
Sitting in the darkness of my room lit only by the light on my screen, I feel the quiet around me, surrounding me, as if it were a shroud. A shroud of loneliness. Besides the hurt of losing a loosing a loved one to death, being lonely is the most painful feeling I have known. Its intensity increases each time we move to a new place. I think I am a friendly person, but somehow I just don't fit in here in Folsom at all. I thought it would be so different, less isolated than when we lived on Fox Court in VA. But there I had a couple of good friends, and here I really don't have any. It's been 6 years. I cannot fathom that. Six long years with trial after trial, health, money, worry, loneliness -- such a long streak of stress and pain. No one would know , nor would I tell them of the isolation I feel inside.
Lindsey and Ben still come during the day and I delight in that Seeing them growing/learning/laughing /running and playing is a joy to behold.
All of a sudden I hear a howl, oh, that's Angel my sweet Labrador singing -- she only sings to certain music but when she does, its crazy! The two labs, Angel and Harrison are exhausted from the dog park run they had, and they will sleep great and hopefully so will I.
The starts and blackened night are in the sky above me now. Stillness surrounds me. Where is the peace I seek? the hope and the dream of a better day. I wait upon the Lord to bless my life and I know he will. I know he will. So as the dreams fill my sleeping mind, my body and soul receive their nourishment,
Sitting in the darkness of my room lit only by the light on my screen, I feel the quiet around me, surrounding me, as if it were a shroud. A shroud of loneliness. Besides the hurt of losing a loosing a loved one to death, being lonely is the most painful feeling I have known. Its intensity increases each time we move to a new place. I think I am a friendly person, but somehow I just don't fit in here in Folsom at all. I thought it would be so different, less isolated than when we lived on Fox Court in VA. But there I had a couple of good friends, and here I really don't have any. It's been 6 years. I cannot fathom that. Six long years with trial after trial, health, money, worry, loneliness -- such a long streak of stress and pain. No one would know , nor would I tell them of the isolation I feel inside.
Lindsey and Ben still come during the day and I delight in that Seeing them growing/learning/laughing /running and playing is a joy to behold.
All of a sudden I hear a howl, oh, that's Angel my sweet Labrador singing -- she only sings to certain music but when she does, its crazy! The two labs, Angel and Harrison are exhausted from the dog park run they had, and they will sleep great and hopefully so will I.
The starts and blackened night are in the sky above me now. Stillness surrounds me. Where is the peace I seek? the hope and the dream of a better day. I wait upon the Lord to bless my life and I know he will. I know he will. So as the dreams fill my sleeping mind, my body and soul receive their nourishment,
Here we go again
July 18, 2010
Life is but a sleep and a forgetting. At least for today. I woke up not even knowing what day it was and had to turn on the news to find out it was Sunday. Though it is 10:20, Richard is still sleeping.
The dogs are sleeping at my feet dreaming of the park and running with the other dogs. How do I know? The way their body's quiver in running motions as they dream. So it begins, another day, another week, life repeats itself in so many ways. Most activities seem so mundane: eating, sleeping, cleaning, washing clothes and on and on. But then there are times that rise above the clouds like watching Johnotan's face as he accomplishes the walk between his mom and me. And this week Benj discovered music! When his Dad brought him over, he was excited to announce he got his own CD from Wendy's ... an America's get talent CD with dance Music. Then the marathon began : he listened to it, and listened to it, and we listened to it, and Richard listened to it, and then Lindsey said "I can't stand it" and promptly pulled the plug out!" But Benj just moved the player to the other room. He is only 5 but he likes what he likes and he likes it over and over. Like the Cat and the Hat video that has been played 100 times, the Stuart Little 2 and Toy Story 2, followed by Stuart Little 3 and Toy Story 3. Oh, did I mention his favorite foods? Mac and cheese for lunch for 3 years :) Now Bologna sandwiches, cheese, banana Popsicle and frozen pop sticks. What fun we have with him. :)
The morning today began cool so I had time to clean out some of the tangled mass of weeds and morning glory overgrowth in the yard. My gardening expertise has suffered since living here in Folsom. Small yard, wrong sun angle, lousy soil. Recalling with grief the beautiful home and garden we left behind in Virginia. Oh, that is another entire subject which I can't approach without a box of Kleenex nearby.
Life is but a sleep and a forgetting. At least for today. I woke up not even knowing what day it was and had to turn on the news to find out it was Sunday. Though it is 10:20, Richard is still sleeping.
The dogs are sleeping at my feet dreaming of the park and running with the other dogs. How do I know? The way their body's quiver in running motions as they dream. So it begins, another day, another week, life repeats itself in so many ways. Most activities seem so mundane: eating, sleeping, cleaning, washing clothes and on and on. But then there are times that rise above the clouds like watching Johnotan's face as he accomplishes the walk between his mom and me. And this week Benj discovered music! When his Dad brought him over, he was excited to announce he got his own CD from Wendy's ... an America's get talent CD with dance Music. Then the marathon began : he listened to it, and listened to it, and we listened to it, and Richard listened to it, and then Lindsey said "I can't stand it" and promptly pulled the plug out!" But Benj just moved the player to the other room. He is only 5 but he likes what he likes and he likes it over and over. Like the Cat and the Hat video that has been played 100 times, the Stuart Little 2 and Toy Story 2, followed by Stuart Little 3 and Toy Story 3. Oh, did I mention his favorite foods? Mac and cheese for lunch for 3 years :) Now Bologna sandwiches, cheese, banana Popsicle and frozen pop sticks. What fun we have with him. :)
The morning today began cool so I had time to clean out some of the tangled mass of weeds and morning glory overgrowth in the yard. My gardening expertise has suffered since living here in Folsom. Small yard, wrong sun angle, lousy soil. Recalling with grief the beautiful home and garden we left behind in Virginia. Oh, that is another entire subject which I can't approach without a box of Kleenex nearby.
The Beginning.
So I have begun to fly on the Wings of the Butterfly. This blog will be dedicated to recording my observations, thoughts, and feelings that perhaps after longs travels on the winds and storms of life I can make sense of the senseless, see through the darkness, and embrace the light.
The idea that I am turning 65 is beyond my comprehension. What is a life that goes like speed of lightning though storms and through sunshine turning hours and days into vapor? But here I am and I must begin but as I go forward, I shall also go back as the memories ebb and flow through my mind. This is a journey of thought, and a quest for understanding and expression for life is so fast in happening it is like being cloaked in space and time without beginning or end, and only the past to remember and the future to look toward.
This is 2010 - and the latter days storms are swirling with fierceness upon the world that I find myself in. Often I must brace against the push of the devastating winds of evil that are the forces upon every living thing upon the world. For this is truly the latter days, a time of trouble and turbulence that the Prophets warned about. What I write hear will be my letter to progeny that they may know that I was true and faithful and lived with my faith and heart to overcome, to make the world a better place for them to live in and eternity for them to come to.
The idea that I am turning 65 is beyond my comprehension. What is a life that goes like speed of lightning though storms and through sunshine turning hours and days into vapor? But here I am and I must begin but as I go forward, I shall also go back as the memories ebb and flow through my mind. This is a journey of thought, and a quest for understanding and expression for life is so fast in happening it is like being cloaked in space and time without beginning or end, and only the past to remember and the future to look toward.
This is 2010 - and the latter days storms are swirling with fierceness upon the world that I find myself in. Often I must brace against the push of the devastating winds of evil that are the forces upon every living thing upon the world. For this is truly the latter days, a time of trouble and turbulence that the Prophets warned about. What I write hear will be my letter to progeny that they may know that I was true and faithful and lived with my faith and heart to overcome, to make the world a better place for them to live in and eternity for them to come to.
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