Nov 11, 2010

Piles of Leaves

November 11, Veteran's Day

I'm feeling grateful for our warriors - both those of today and those of the past. I was especially reminded today about Moroni and the story of the Title of Liberty!

"And he fastened on his head-plate, and his breastplate, and his shields, and girded on his armor about his loins; and he took the pole, which had on the end thereof his rent coat, (and he called it the title of liberty) and he bowed himself to the earth, and he prayed mightily unto his God for the blessings of liberty to rest upon his brethren, so long as there should a band of Christians remain to possess the land—"

I am praying that the Lord will raise up righteous leaders at this time, we so much need to be led by those who have a belief in God and Liberty. At times I fear for our country, and my children and their children and so on.

Often I recall the story of my Great Grandfather Gustaf Hillstrom who was so happy to become and American. On the day he received his citizenship, they say he ran down the street waving his certificate and shouting in his strong Swedish accent "I'm an American! I'm an American!" So to So him and all my other ancestor I have a deep and abiding gratitude for what they sacrificed and the gift that I was given - to be born and live in a free land, the promised land. That's why I vote, that's why I study the news and support in any way I can those that chose to protect our freedoms.

Otherwise , today is just another day. The sun is shinning and I helped my lawn guy, Norbert, rake the mountains of leaves in my front yard filling up two huge green waste barrels along with 1/2 of the other barrel. We had a long conversation about Freedom. He moved to America from Hungary so he has insight into the problems of socialism facing our country. What a refreshing view to speak with him, one of the few I can dialogue with about the political atmosphere in our country. He understands.

Something significant about the leaves, the messages and the memories. I have raked many leaves. I planted an enormous Maple tree in front of the porch of my childhood home on Althea Street, Warwick RI. The last picture I have of that house, taken after dad died, the tree then was bigger than the house! I think I wrote a poem about it; how I found it in the woods as a young girl of about 10 years old and dragged a shovel to the woods , dug it up and replanted it in its special place in front of our house. Year after year the tree bloomed and grew and year after year the leaves turned and fell on to infinity as it seemed to me. I will never forget that maple tree and times I sat beneath it, the day I watched the Hurricane of '54 bend it's branches, and the day my brother, dad, and I stood near it for our Easter photo. How could that be such a vivid scene in my mind when days unnumbered had passed by since? Some things are never forgotten but cherished always.

A sister dropped off our food order. So grateful that the church helps us with our food, taxes are due and how will we pay them? The outrageous sum of $1,860.00! I have faith in God, he will help us. Last week I almost through away a bunch of paperwork; before I did I found one and something told me to look inside. I did and found $300 dollars! I did not remember why or when I put it there. I paid my tithing the day before! (smile).

Battling health problems still but this week progress. Dr. told me to increase the thyroid medication and gave me something for pain. Getting older is not fun, but with determination I will ride the roller coaster with grace and wit.

Today the quiet is stilling and sweet, with the soft light of the sun streaming through the blinds and sheer curtains leaving pretty patters of light and shadow on the walls. Sometimes these bedroom walls feel like a prison, keeping me from life due to the tired depressed state of my body; but not today. Today the walls are a sanctuary and a protector, like arms surrounding me, keeping me from the turmoil of the world and the struggles that are a daily battle. Today, I will chose to be happy and grateful for all I have.

Nov 8, 2010

Flying on the wind

That's how I feel my time has gone, straight up into the sky on the unseen winds of daily struggles with the highs and lows of life.

I went to Walmart again tonight to pick up a few more costumes at their 75% off sale. Lindsey and Benj had soooo much fun being Transformer/Army Guy and Nurse/Wonder women. Tomorrow they can chose between Star Wars and Bat Girl!! What a fun idea, and the price was 3 to 4 each! That's the kind of sales I love.

Walking out after looking a prices, my mind was contemplating the current situation of our world and wondering how and when did things get so dismal? Prices for everything is inflated to about 4 times what they should be - ie. I wanted to buy a page magnifier to help me see the print when studying the scriptures. Mouth hung open, I gasped when I saw the price of $11.95!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What how can that be? Put it back on the shelf about as quick as dropping a hot coal! I'll just have to get better glasses or bigger print!!

Oh, that's not all, EVERYTHING is too darn high! Putting things in the shopping cart and returning them to the shelf when half way done shopping has become the norm.

Then there is this thing about the Country, the state we are in is not good and every day there is another political worry. President is the worst we ever had and now he is over in India telling them our country is in a "decline". Like, we don't look weak enough. urgh.

Sep 4, 2010

Here I am again

Another day, and I'm trying so hard not to cry but the emptiness inside is crushing. The sun is out and I am here in my room sans energy, sans desire, sans motivations.

I think if I could be anybody but myself today maybe I could find some type of peace. Just a hopeless overwhelming feeling choking me so I can hardly breathe. What is wrong with me? I just feel sooooooooooooooo hopeless and alone and guilty that I feel that way. I just so long for yesterday.

When I was a kid, Lynn and I would pick the wild grapes in the woods and gather the flowers from Mr. Bougese's compost pile. (he had a local greenhouse/flower business.) Oh how my childhood days of fantasy were filled with dreams and wishes and hope. I just can't get them back.

It's another holiday weekend and we have no where to go or do. We got a $4000 bill for back taxes and I don't know how that will be paid. AND if one more person tells me how wonderful their vacation is or how much money they made this year, I will scream till blood gushes out of my pores.

That's it. Can't even write any more right now. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Sep 3, 2010

September begins

I realized today how sick my husband is. He is forgetting more and more. We thought the water aerobics would be good for him, but he seems to be getting worse. Every day I see a decline in his ability to remember simple things. And the fatigue seems every present. He complains about headaches and being tired. I don't know anymore what is wrong.

It's overwhelming to say the least how difficult these past several years have been. It takes all my strength to keep going and not give up.

If there were a way to know for sure what is wrong and how to treat it the problem would not be so overwhelming.

We both turn 65 but never thought in my life we would find ourselves in the middle of nowhere in our lives. But, I know Heavenly Father loves us and the eternities is what we seek our reward in. So for that there is hope.

All around the world is in commotion. There are wars, and troubles everywhere. Just like the scriptures predicted: fathers and mothers kill their children; children kill their parents.; so many things that just don't make any sense at all. Our Government is corrupted with greedy power hungry people and our Presidency is leaning toward socialism. It's difficult to live in a world of sorrow and pain. I hope the Savior comes soon and puts an end to all the strife.

Aug 29, 2010

A Favorite Poem-New Friends, Old Friends

New Friends and Old Friends
Joseph Parry
1841-1903

Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold.
New-made friendships, like new wine,
Age will mellow and refine.
Friendships that have stood the test--
Time and change--are surely best;
Brow may wrinkle, hair grow gray,
Friendship never knows decay.
For 'mid old friends, tried and true,
Once more we our youth renew.
But old friends, alas! may die,
New friends must their place supply.
Cherish friendship in your breast--
New is good, but old is best;
Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold.

Aug 28, 2010

Saturday Night

Aug 28, 2010

Out to dinner with K & T & R. Marie Calendars 1/2 price deal=burgers/fries and pies! Had fun. But, learned NEVER mention politics with Kevin - I thought he would explode. He hates anything to do with the mention of it. So, that was a big shock, keep my mouth shut will be my motto around it. But it's hard, my feelings run deep through and through when it comes to protecting our freedoms and allegiances to our country. Sad that I can't share what is so dear to my heart - the preserving of liberty and the values our country is founded on.

That's a part of my psyche that is ingrained within my spirit. I remember the stories about my ancestors and the sacrifices of coming to America. I one wrote a road show about it and we won 1st place.

What is going on in the country today is dangerous and will cause the constitution to fall if the good people in the country don't unite behind the movement to stop it. Socialistic theories and policies are being spread around like jelly on toast! And people with a lot of money are buying their way into leadership positions. Prophets have warned and warned the nation, but people are turning away the missionaries and other countries out do USA in baptisms. We know we are in last days and close to the second coming of our Lord. I hope I can hang on, sometimes its hard, most of the time its hard just going about daily chores. I need to strengthen my testimony.

Aug 27, 2010

The dark again

August 27, 2010

Today as well as the last few days I spent in the dark and dreary wilderness which holds me captive. I can't find words enough to describe the pain. And no one else really wants to hear it. But I wish I could scream and all the sorrow trapped inside my heart would spew out of my mouth and never come back. It is a difficult situation which is even more painful living with my husband who forgets important things. Yesterday he was suppose to wait for Ben who would be late but decided to go out back and clean his bird cage. When Melissa tried to drop Benj off, she didn't know he was here. Short story is she was upset and I felt the blood drain out of my body only to be replaced with an ugly anger. Thus followed the hours of tiredness combined with tears and wanting my life to end. It is amazing how problems like this can throw me into a cauldron of hot coals. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.