Another day, and I'm trying so hard not to cry but the emptiness inside is crushing. The sun is out and I am here in my room sans energy, sans desire, sans motivations.
I think if I could be anybody but myself today maybe I could find some type of peace. Just a hopeless overwhelming feeling choking me so I can hardly breathe. What is wrong with me? I just feel sooooooooooooooo hopeless and alone and guilty that I feel that way. I just so long for yesterday.
When I was a kid, Lynn and I would pick the wild grapes in the woods and gather the flowers from Mr. Bougese's compost pile. (he had a local greenhouse/flower business.) Oh how my childhood days of fantasy were filled with dreams and wishes and hope. I just can't get them back.
It's another holiday weekend and we have no where to go or do. We got a $4000 bill for back taxes and I don't know how that will be paid. AND if one more person tells me how wonderful their vacation is or how much money they made this year, I will scream till blood gushes out of my pores.
That's it. Can't even write any more right now. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
Sep 4, 2010
Sep 3, 2010
September begins
I realized today how sick my husband is. He is forgetting more and more. We thought the water aerobics would be good for him, but he seems to be getting worse. Every day I see a decline in his ability to remember simple things. And the fatigue seems every present. He complains about headaches and being tired. I don't know anymore what is wrong.
It's overwhelming to say the least how difficult these past several years have been. It takes all my strength to keep going and not give up.
If there were a way to know for sure what is wrong and how to treat it the problem would not be so overwhelming.
We both turn 65 but never thought in my life we would find ourselves in the middle of nowhere in our lives. But, I know Heavenly Father loves us and the eternities is what we seek our reward in. So for that there is hope.
All around the world is in commotion. There are wars, and troubles everywhere. Just like the scriptures predicted: fathers and mothers kill their children; children kill their parents.; so many things that just don't make any sense at all. Our Government is corrupted with greedy power hungry people and our Presidency is leaning toward socialism. It's difficult to live in a world of sorrow and pain. I hope the Savior comes soon and puts an end to all the strife.
It's overwhelming to say the least how difficult these past several years have been. It takes all my strength to keep going and not give up.
If there were a way to know for sure what is wrong and how to treat it the problem would not be so overwhelming.
We both turn 65 but never thought in my life we would find ourselves in the middle of nowhere in our lives. But, I know Heavenly Father loves us and the eternities is what we seek our reward in. So for that there is hope.
All around the world is in commotion. There are wars, and troubles everywhere. Just like the scriptures predicted: fathers and mothers kill their children; children kill their parents.; so many things that just don't make any sense at all. Our Government is corrupted with greedy power hungry people and our Presidency is leaning toward socialism. It's difficult to live in a world of sorrow and pain. I hope the Savior comes soon and puts an end to all the strife.
Aug 29, 2010
A Favorite Poem-New Friends, Old Friends
New Friends and Old Friends
Joseph Parry
1841-1903
Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold.
New-made friendships, like new wine,
Age will mellow and refine.
Friendships that have stood the test--
Time and change--are surely best;
Brow may wrinkle, hair grow gray,
Friendship never knows decay.
For 'mid old friends, tried and true,
Once more we our youth renew.
But old friends, alas! may die,
New friends must their place supply.
Cherish friendship in your breast--
New is good, but old is best;
Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold.
Joseph Parry
1841-1903
Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold.
New-made friendships, like new wine,
Age will mellow and refine.
Friendships that have stood the test--
Time and change--are surely best;
Brow may wrinkle, hair grow gray,
Friendship never knows decay.
For 'mid old friends, tried and true,
Once more we our youth renew.
But old friends, alas! may die,
New friends must their place supply.
Cherish friendship in your breast--
New is good, but old is best;
Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold.
Aug 28, 2010
Saturday Night
Aug 28, 2010
Out to dinner with K & T & R. Marie Calendars 1/2 price deal=burgers/fries and pies! Had fun. But, learned NEVER mention politics with Kevin - I thought he would explode. He hates anything to do with the mention of it. So, that was a big shock, keep my mouth shut will be my motto around it. But it's hard, my feelings run deep through and through when it comes to protecting our freedoms and allegiances to our country. Sad that I can't share what is so dear to my heart - the preserving of liberty and the values our country is founded on.
That's a part of my psyche that is ingrained within my spirit. I remember the stories about my ancestors and the sacrifices of coming to America. I one wrote a road show about it and we won 1st place.
What is going on in the country today is dangerous and will cause the constitution to fall if the good people in the country don't unite behind the movement to stop it. Socialistic theories and policies are being spread around like jelly on toast! And people with a lot of money are buying their way into leadership positions. Prophets have warned and warned the nation, but people are turning away the missionaries and other countries out do USA in baptisms. We know we are in last days and close to the second coming of our Lord. I hope I can hang on, sometimes its hard, most of the time its hard just going about daily chores. I need to strengthen my testimony.
Out to dinner with K & T & R. Marie Calendars 1/2 price deal=burgers/fries and pies! Had fun. But, learned NEVER mention politics with Kevin - I thought he would explode. He hates anything to do with the mention of it. So, that was a big shock, keep my mouth shut will be my motto around it. But it's hard, my feelings run deep through and through when it comes to protecting our freedoms and allegiances to our country. Sad that I can't share what is so dear to my heart - the preserving of liberty and the values our country is founded on.
That's a part of my psyche that is ingrained within my spirit. I remember the stories about my ancestors and the sacrifices of coming to America. I one wrote a road show about it and we won 1st place.
What is going on in the country today is dangerous and will cause the constitution to fall if the good people in the country don't unite behind the movement to stop it. Socialistic theories and policies are being spread around like jelly on toast! And people with a lot of money are buying their way into leadership positions. Prophets have warned and warned the nation, but people are turning away the missionaries and other countries out do USA in baptisms. We know we are in last days and close to the second coming of our Lord. I hope I can hang on, sometimes its hard, most of the time its hard just going about daily chores. I need to strengthen my testimony.
Aug 27, 2010
The dark again
August 27, 2010
Today as well as the last few days I spent in the dark and dreary wilderness which holds me captive. I can't find words enough to describe the pain. And no one else really wants to hear it. But I wish I could scream and all the sorrow trapped inside my heart would spew out of my mouth and never come back. It is a difficult situation which is even more painful living with my husband who forgets important things. Yesterday he was suppose to wait for Ben who would be late but decided to go out back and clean his bird cage. When Melissa tried to drop Benj off, she didn't know he was here. Short story is she was upset and I felt the blood drain out of my body only to be replaced with an ugly anger. Thus followed the hours of tiredness combined with tears and wanting my life to end. It is amazing how problems like this can throw me into a cauldron of hot coals. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
Today as well as the last few days I spent in the dark and dreary wilderness which holds me captive. I can't find words enough to describe the pain. And no one else really wants to hear it. But I wish I could scream and all the sorrow trapped inside my heart would spew out of my mouth and never come back. It is a difficult situation which is even more painful living with my husband who forgets important things. Yesterday he was suppose to wait for Ben who would be late but decided to go out back and clean his bird cage. When Melissa tried to drop Benj off, she didn't know he was here. Short story is she was upset and I felt the blood drain out of my body only to be replaced with an ugly anger. Thus followed the hours of tiredness combined with tears and wanting my life to end. It is amazing how problems like this can throw me into a cauldron of hot coals. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
Aug 25, 2010
August 24, 2010
I WISH today that I could reach through the curtain of yesterday and pull it inside out. Then I might stand within an old familiar moment and taste the fragrance of long ago when flowers danced in the wind and the heavens surrounded me with joy. Often I feel as though my feet are standing in long ago times of carefree journeys where paths through unfamiliar woods would lure me into secret discoveries. When feeling this overpowering emotion, I can not breathe. Today is here and now. Yet, I lack desire to dwell in the dreary now! These days are often marred by loneliness and sorrows and heaviness and of trudging onward without a view from above. I see only the long and endless road. The dark and endless path with a small wisp of light at the tunnels end that beckons my heart to hope. "Be still my soul", is a whisper in my mind. Yet in the quiet evening reflection a heaviness surrounds me and the weariness of the days begins to envelope my senses like scenes in a haunted dream.
I WISH today that I could reach through the curtain of yesterday and pull it inside out. Then I might stand within an old familiar moment and taste the fragrance of long ago when flowers danced in the wind and the heavens surrounded me with joy. Often I feel as though my feet are standing in long ago times of carefree journeys where paths through unfamiliar woods would lure me into secret discoveries. When feeling this overpowering emotion, I can not breathe. Today is here and now. Yet, I lack desire to dwell in the dreary now! These days are often marred by loneliness and sorrows and heaviness and of trudging onward without a view from above. I see only the long and endless road. The dark and endless path with a small wisp of light at the tunnels end that beckons my heart to hope. "Be still my soul", is a whisper in my mind. Yet in the quiet evening reflection a heaviness surrounds me and the weariness of the days begins to envelope my senses like scenes in a haunted dream.
Jul 25, 2010
It's Sunday
Today is Sabbath, and I should be at church. Here I am at home - again. Got up too late; felt too sick, tired, and sore. Health and how I feel about myself is like a granite mountain standing in the way of my footsteps traveling on the road to forever. And I feel like it is forever since feeling totally well - physically and spiritually.
Isolation - again - looming all around. There are those I have lost - friends, family, animals. These left a hole in my heart and soul.And so it is as though life is like a 'trial by fire" from which I must emerge unscathed. There is nothing so painful as the pain of loneliness and that of loss. Loss of not things, but of times and of associations. Memories of my past are haunting. The family times with little children at my feet and parents visiting; holidays with all the fixings on the grand table surrounded by crowded chairs; the beach with the toddler toys in the sand; cramped cars traveling to a vacation destination. Days then filled with happiness despite the challenges. I loved listening to the children prayers and to see the innocent faces of sweetness. The looked like sleeping cherubs while they slept.
So here it is, 2010, looking back. Behind me are fields of wildflowers and rainbow skies but beyond the looming mountain there is a pervasive silence and gray. I wonder if anything will ever be good again? And then, to top that all off is the guilt. The guilt of feeling like I shouldn't be feeling this while at the same time KNOWING this is what I feel and it must be accepted. Lost dreams, shattered longings, and unkempt promises = they are the albatross that weighs upon my heart and saps the energy from any forward steps into the light.
I have a testimony still. I know the church is true, and Joseph Smith was truly a prophet. I know God lives, and that the principles of the gospel are the ones that will bring me happiness. And I also know that it still isn't easy, life is a difficult road filled with ruts and rocks and sharp turns that often leave even the most righteous wandering on the path. So do the trials come because we are not good, or do they come because we are striving with all our might to reach the heavenly summit of Celestial Glory? Often it is clear, but just as often it is not. As one looks ahead in a storm, the tranquil blue skies that lie beyond the tumultuous winds and rains are obscured from our view. And so, that is how life often feels to me. Tomorrow could be a better day. Like I have said before, depression is a horrible disease involving physical, mental, and spiritual distress and sapping one's energy and fortitude. That is the ONE great hill I must climb every day just to get back on the path, just to endue, just to be able to see the blue skies beyond the storms.
Isolation - again - looming all around. There are those I have lost - friends, family, animals. These left a hole in my heart and soul.And so it is as though life is like a 'trial by fire" from which I must emerge unscathed. There is nothing so painful as the pain of loneliness and that of loss. Loss of not things, but of times and of associations. Memories of my past are haunting. The family times with little children at my feet and parents visiting; holidays with all the fixings on the grand table surrounded by crowded chairs; the beach with the toddler toys in the sand; cramped cars traveling to a vacation destination. Days then filled with happiness despite the challenges. I loved listening to the children prayers and to see the innocent faces of sweetness. The looked like sleeping cherubs while they slept.
So here it is, 2010, looking back. Behind me are fields of wildflowers and rainbow skies but beyond the looming mountain there is a pervasive silence and gray. I wonder if anything will ever be good again? And then, to top that all off is the guilt. The guilt of feeling like I shouldn't be feeling this while at the same time KNOWING this is what I feel and it must be accepted. Lost dreams, shattered longings, and unkempt promises = they are the albatross that weighs upon my heart and saps the energy from any forward steps into the light.
I have a testimony still. I know the church is true, and Joseph Smith was truly a prophet. I know God lives, and that the principles of the gospel are the ones that will bring me happiness. And I also know that it still isn't easy, life is a difficult road filled with ruts and rocks and sharp turns that often leave even the most righteous wandering on the path. So do the trials come because we are not good, or do they come because we are striving with all our might to reach the heavenly summit of Celestial Glory? Often it is clear, but just as often it is not. As one looks ahead in a storm, the tranquil blue skies that lie beyond the tumultuous winds and rains are obscured from our view. And so, that is how life often feels to me. Tomorrow could be a better day. Like I have said before, depression is a horrible disease involving physical, mental, and spiritual distress and sapping one's energy and fortitude. That is the ONE great hill I must climb every day just to get back on the path, just to endue, just to be able to see the blue skies beyond the storms.
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