Letting Go

Kristin posted this today about her work as a drug and alchohal counsellor.  I was so inspired by it and wanted to share :

Letting Go

I sit and listen to your woes
A life story you’ve never told
I can hear the anger and feel your pain
The anger in your heart  That holds you back

The door is now open  Just a crack
It’s ok to cry It’s ok to let it go
The words on your lips Just let them flow
I sit and watch as the tears stream down your cheeks
It takes all I have not to wipe away the streaks
It breaks my heart
To see the hurt and To feel your pain
But I hope someday You might be whole again
If I may If I might
Just help you darling With your fight
Your fight to live  and Your fight to try
Your fight to create a better life
I must admit to you now
As I am sure you already know
It won’t be easy its rather hard
But this my dear is quite a start
I must tell the truth and I must never lie
I must sit and listen and watch you cry
I am grateful for the trust You have placed in me
I am grateful to the scared little girl
You allow me to see
I sit and listen to your woes
A life story you’ve never told
I can hear the anger and feel your pain
The anger in your heart  That holds you back
The door is now open  Just a crack
It’s ok to cry It’s ok to let it go

December 8, 2014
First draft
Kristin McNulty

Inspired by the night I had at work yesterday. I have been at a loss for words really. I tried to put down in writing how I felt last night after a pretty intense session. This is a first really rough draft… I am grateful to my God for allowing me this opportunity to help attempt a miracle. I know that this is NOT me .. it is all GOD. I could not do this by myself without his help. I pray for the courage, strength and wisdom EVERY day to make better choices in the hopes that I just might be able to help another as they struggle to change their life. Life is sooooooooo difficult sometimes and sometimes people just need an ear and a hand and for someone to say you are not alone…… I am truly truly  grateful…. That’s all.

December 3, 2014

This week Richard and I attended a session at the Temple.  I was able to perform work for Karin Arvidsson, an ancester who lived in Sweden in the 1600's.  Such joy to be able to do this work for others and we are working hard to track our family lines so we may continue to seal our family together.  This is the work of Eternity that really matters not the everyday stuff that drags us down. 

My records are in such disarray, I hope to find a way to organize them.  Recently I've discovered several sites that have tons of information for keeping genealogical records.  I've pinned them to pinterest and will add a few here as a reference.

Christmas is in a few weeks.  The tree is up and lot's of decorations but there is so much to do to bring the holiday atmosphere into our home.  My regret is that our family is so spread out and that even those that live close to us we do not see often enough.

Ashley left to return to college.  Zac had a mental breakdown and is in a hospital in Tenn. after travelling across country and 1/2 way back only to be stranded in Ohio after trying to take his own life.  My heart has been broken once again because of the suffering of someone I love so much.  I pray he will heal and that he will survive with the Lord's help.  

Wow, it's been a year since I have written in this journal!! I wonder why.  Where have I been and what have I been doing.

Life is a tangible, living entity that evolves through time creating itself into a creature we hardly know :) and like a runaway train it speeds like lightening into the future while you stand amid the dust trying to see where it went.

Well, today I decided to begin again and get on the next train.  As I travel forward, my reflections will also be glancing to the recent past before the memories are completely faded from view.

Today I was thinking about people, realizing there are so many good people in my life whose relationships I treasure.  Feeling blessed though we are so desperately broke all the time, what I have in my life are people and that is of greater worth.

As I pondered the good and the evil in our world of 2014, I realized what is published and talked about most are the evil deeds and negative events in society.  Yet, I have come to know the other side of life as a Mormon.

"I have always loved being a member of my church.  I am a Mormon.  The people I have met through church have been some of the dearest sweetest people I've known in my life.  What impresses me the most is their desire to serve each other and their love and devotion to Jesus Christ.  There are many who strive everyday to follow the commandments of God, to give of themselves, to bear one another's burdens, to uplift and love those in need.  I know this is true of other church communities besides my own and am grateful to live in country where the followers of Jesus Christ are re-markedly following Him.  In the end what will matter the most is not what riches we have obtained for ourselves in this life, but what we have given of ourselves to the other people in it.  That is "The Road Less Traveled" that will make all the difference!!"

jeri

this is a favorite of mine and I wanted to post it today because I was thinking about how important it is to be true to oneself :)\\
                                                 "Myself"

by Edgar A. Guest

I have to live with myself and so
I want to be fit for myself to know,
I want to be able as days go by,
To look at myself straight in the eye.
I don't want to stand with the setting sun
And hate myself for the things I've done.

I don't want to hide on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself as I come and go
Into thinking that nobody else will know
What kind of man I really am;
I don't want to dress myself in sham.

I want to go with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men's respect
And in this struggle for fame and pelf
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to look at myself and know
That I am a bluster and empty show.

I cannot hide myself from me;
I can see what others can never see;
I know what others can never know,
I cannot fool myself, and so

Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.

DEPRESSION

Dec 11, 2013

 Depression

Have you ever as a child played hide and seek and hid in a closet? You can hear the other children laughing and scurrying around searching for you while you remain a lone in your dark seclude refuge.   If so, you know how dreadful it feel and hope someone will find you soon.

Depression feels like that, except you’re no longer a child, it’s not a game and you’re terribly afraid.  The sense of thick cold darkness envelopes you like a blanket of dread, and the only light flickers through a small keyhole from the locked closet and you are without the key. All energy escapes from every part of you, and it is difficult to tell your body to move.

Living with depression s in a way in a way a life imitation of death. .  Everything in your life stands still and you are entombed this empty black place without an escape or even the energy to find one’s way out. .

The sun doesn’t shine where you are, and a constant storm brews within your heart and mind   Waking in the morning and getting dressed seem an insurmountable effort a because within your psyche there is no desire to participate in life …all interest and energy has dissipated leaving you as if in a shell of a body lying cold and lifeless on a desolate while the cold waves wash over you

Being depressed is not something new to me; in fact this is something I have struggled with throughout my life.  Learning to understand and overcome this dreaded condition has accompanied much of my life’s journey although the end never seems reachable.

Today I began a new medication; well several that I hope will help.  My medicine cabinet looks like a pharmacy, and the number of pills I take is daunting. For now, for me, there is no other way to combat this except through medication and hopefully soon I will have the energy to see a therapist.

My husband is very understanding, but I know it’s not fair for him to look after someone who is withdrawn from life most of the time and the burden on him takes its toll on his energy also.

I wonder and hope someday to be well.  But, in the meantime I hope I can record my experiences in a way that will help other’s understand the suffering of those with depression and other mental illnesses.

On January 4 I have appointment with a Psychiatrist.  I want to be sure that the medication I am taking is the right ones.  I don’t like taking all these pills, but there is no other way right now.  I realize therapy is a must and hope to soon find a good therapist.

I feel that those around me truly don’t understand depression I have heard people whisper about others who are depressed and say such things as “What does she have to be depressed about”.  It would upset me, but I’ve learned to forgive those who don’t’ understand for without experience, one can easily misjudge this disease.

Some think depression is the person’s fault caused by negative thinking which of course part of this multi-symptom disease is.  However, many people suffer from a chemical imbalance. Often this is caused by low levels of Serotonin in their brain.  The exact scientific causes are very complex, but one must realize that that is usually the overall major factor in the cause of depression.  The chemical imbalances in the brain affect the body immensely, because you mind and body is a team.  When one part of the team is sick the other doesn't perform well either.

There are many causes: such as  postpartum depression in women after childbirth, divorce, death of a loved one, loss of several kinds, financial pressures, health problems, marital problems, midlife crisis, work pressures, job loss can all contribute ..  But, often people do not recognize it for quite some time and do not often act upon it until it begins to interfere or impedes the normal function of their daily activities in a markedly difficult way.

  At one point in my life, I would not leave my room for many days, the TV or the computer became a means of escape.  I would avoid contact with people entirely. An otherwise perfectionist in housekeeping, days and sometimes weeks would pass when I did not without cleaning my home and would need someone to come in and help with it. Many Tasks would be started and left unfinished like a quilt I began in February and in December still have only 90% finished. 

The loss of interest is another drastic difficulty...  I don’t want to do the things I use to do, like sew, paint, garden, and photograph.  This is caused Mostly because of the lack energy but also an aboding hopeless feeling.  The loss of income, stability, and security as well as health has been a great source of pressure. Like a pressure cooker that builds steam, but has an outlet, our minds that have built up pressure seem to continue to build steam until they explode and the body goes numb.

A Priesthood Blessing

September 20, 2013

I woke up Monday feeling fine until about mid day, then my legs began to bother me again.  I must have injured my back lifting books or boxes while cleaning the garage. As the day progressed my left leg began to be sorer.  By the end of the day I was in a lot of pain and  unable to get on and off the bed without great difficulty.

Even walking to the bathroom became almost impossible, I would hold on to furniture and drag my way across the floor as knife like pain ran through my leg.  .  I took pain pills but they didn't too much and Richard had to assist me to get up and down  Positioning myself on the bed so I could sleep was so difficult as I could not put my leg out straight the pain was so awful. Through the night I dozed on and off but would cry out in pain if I moved my leg.

During the night I dozed off and woke covered and drenched in sweat. By Wednesday I began to feel a little better and could walk but with difficulty.  The pain remained so I made appointment with the doctor who told me it was just sprained muscles (but I knew it was more than that).

When the Elders came to help Richard in the Yard on Thursday, I asked them to come back a 8 pm and give me a Priesthood Blessing.

It was Elder Haag and Elder ………(from Tahiti) that gave me a blessing assisted by Richard. .  The moment Elder Haag placed his hand on my head I felt this overwhelming quieting of peaceful warmth go through my body. During the blessing the spirit felt so strong upon my mind and in my heart that oceans of tears ran down my face.  Truly the spirit was with these men of God.  And I am grateful for that. 

Today I’m a lot better, but have much work to do to stretch and strengthen the injured muscles; however, I know I will be better and I know more than ever that God lives, and the Priesthood power exists on this earth today. For all of that I am grateful; ever so very grateful.

Jeri milici mork 9/20/2013

Poetry by the Bronte Sisters

Anne Bronte:

LINES COMPOSED IN A WOOD ON A WINDY DAY

by: Anne Bronte (1820-1849)

MY soul is awakened, my spirit is soaring
And carried aloft on the wings of the breeze;
For above and around me the wild wind is roaring,
Arousing to rapture the earth and the seas.

The long withered grass in the sunshine is glancing,
The bare trees are tossing their branches on high;
The dead leaves beneath them are merrily dancing,
The white clouds are scudding across the blue sky

I wish I could see how the ocean is lashing
The foam of its billows to whirlwinds of spray;
I wish I could see how its proud waves are dashing,
And hear the wild roar of their thunder to-day!

"Lines Composed in a Wood on a Windy Day" is reprinted from Poems By Currer, Ellis, and Acton Bell. Charlotte, Anne, and Emily Bronte. Philadelphia: Lea and Blanchard, 1848.

Anne Bronte (died age 29) 

Anne Brontë (/ˈbrɒnti/;^[1][2] 17 January 1820 – 28 May 1849) was a British novelist and poet, the youngest member of the Brontë literary family.

The daughter of a poor Irish clergyman in the Church of England, Anne Brontë lived most of her life with her family at the parish of Haworth on the Yorkshire moors. For a couple of years she went to a boarding school. At the age of 19 she left Haworth and worked as a governess between 1839 and 1845. After leaving her teaching position, she fulfilled her literary ambitions. She wrote a volume of poetry with her sisters (Poems by Currer, Ellis, and Acton Bell, 1846) and two novels. Agnes Grey, based upon her experiences as a governess, was published in 1847. Her second and last novel, The Tenant of Wildfell Hall, which is considered to be one of the first sustained feminist novels, appeared in 1848. Anne's life was cut short when she died of pulmonary tuberculosis at the age of 29.

THE ARBOUR
by: Anne Bronte (1820-1849)

'LL rest me in this sheltered bower,
And look upon the clear blue sky
That smiles upon me through the trees,
Which stand so thick clustering by;

And view their green and glossy leaves,
All glistening in the sunshine fair;
And list the rustling of their boughs,
So softly whispering through the air.

And while my ear drinks in the sound,
My winged soul shall fly away;
Reviewing lone departed years
As one mild, beaming, autumn day;

And soaring on to future scenes,
Like hills and woods, and valleys green,
All basking in the summer's sun,
But distant still, and dimly seen.

Oh, list! 'tis summer's very breath
That gently shakes the rustling trees--
But look! the snow is on the ground--
How can I think of scenes like these?

'Tis but the FROST that clears the air,
And gives the sky that lovely blue;
They're smiling in a WINTER'S sun,
Those evergreens of sombre hue.
And winter's chill is on my heart--
How can I dream of future bliss?
How can my spirit soar away,
Confined by such a chain as this?

"The Arbour" is reprinted from Poems By Currer, Ellis, and Acton Bell. Charlotte, Anne, and Emily Bronte. Philadelphia: Lea and Blanchard, 1848.

MORe

MUSIC ON CHRISTMAS MORNING
by: Anne Bronte (1820-1849)

USIC I love--but never strain
Could kindle raptures so divine,
So grief assuage, so conquer pain,
And rouse this pensive heart of mine--
As that we hear on Christmas morn,
Upon the wintry breezes borne.

Though Darkness still her empire keep,

And hours must pass, ere morning break;
From troubled dreams, or slumbers deep,
That music KINDLY bids us wake:
It calls us, with an angel's voice,
To wake, and worship, and rejoice;

To greet with joy the glorious morn,
Which angels welcomed long ago,
When our redeeming Lord was born,
To bring the light of Heaven below;
The Powers of Darkness to dispel,
And rescue Earth from Death and Hell.

While listening to that sacred strain,
My raptured spirit soars on high;
I seem to hear those songs again
Resounding through the open sky,
That kindled such divine delight,
In those who watched their flocks by night.

With them I celebrate His birth--
Glory to God, in highest Heaven,
Good-will to men, and peace on earth,
To us a Saviour-king is given;
Our God is come to claim His own,
And Satan's power is overthrown!

A sinless God, for sinful men,
Descends to suffer and to bleed;
Hell MUST renounce its empire then;
The price is paid, the world is freed,
And Satan's self must now confess
That Christ has earned a RIGHT to bless:

Now holy Peace may smile from heaven,
And heavenly Truth from earth shall spring:
The captive's galling bonds are riven,
For our Redeemer is our king;
And He that gave his blood for men
Will lead us home to God again.

by: Anne Bronte (1820-1849) 'LL rest me in this sheltered bower, And look upon the clear blue sky That smiles upon me through the trees, Which stand so thick clustering by; And view their green and glossy leaves, All glistening in the sunshine fair; And list the rustling of their boughs, So softly whispering through the air. And while my ear drinks in the sound, My winged soul shall fly away; Reviewing lone departed years As one mild, beaming, autumn day; And soaring on to future scenes, Like hills and woods, and valleys green, All basking in the summer's sun, But distant still, and dimly seen. Oh, list! 'tis summer's very breath That gently shakes the rustling trees-- But look! the snow is on the ground-- How can I think of scenes like these? 'Tis but the FROST that clears the air, And gives the sky that lovely blue; They're smiling in a WINTER'S sun, Those evergreens of sombre hue. And winter's chill is on my heart-- How can I dream of future bliss? How can my spirit soar away,rer, Ellis, and Acton Bell. Charlotte, Anne, and Emily Bronte. Philadelphia: Lea and Blanchard, 1848. Confined by such a chain as this? "The Arbour" is reprinted from Poems By Cur