Another day, and I'm trying so hard not to cry but the emptiness inside is crushing. The sun is out and I am here in my room sans energy, sans desire, sans motivations.
I think if I could be anybody but myself today maybe I could find some type of peace. Just a hopeless overwhelming feeling choking me so I can hardly breathe. What is wrong with me? I just feel sooooooooooooooo hopeless and alone and guilty that I feel that way. I just so long for yesterday.
When I was a kid, Lynn and I would pick the wild grapes in the woods and gather the flowers from Mr. Bougese's compost pile. (he had a local greenhouse/flower business.) Oh how my childhood days of fantasy were filled with dreams and wishes and hope. I just can't get them back.
It's another holiday weekend and we have no where to go or do. We got a $4000 bill for back taxes and I don't know how that will be paid. AND if one more person tells me how wonderful their vacation is or how much money they made this year, I will scream till blood gushes out of my pores.
That's it. Can't even write any more right now. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
Sep 4, 2010
Sep 3, 2010
September begins
I realized today how sick my husband is. He is forgetting more and more. We thought the water aerobics would be good for him, but he seems to be getting worse. Every day I see a decline in his ability to remember simple things. And the fatigue seems every present. He complains about headaches and being tired. I don't know anymore what is wrong.
It's overwhelming to say the least how difficult these past several years have been. It takes all my strength to keep going and not give up.
If there were a way to know for sure what is wrong and how to treat it the problem would not be so overwhelming.
We both turn 65 but never thought in my life we would find ourselves in the middle of nowhere in our lives. But, I know Heavenly Father loves us and the eternities is what we seek our reward in. So for that there is hope.
All around the world is in commotion. There are wars, and troubles everywhere. Just like the scriptures predicted: fathers and mothers kill their children; children kill their parents.; so many things that just don't make any sense at all. Our Government is corrupted with greedy power hungry people and our Presidency is leaning toward socialism. It's difficult to live in a world of sorrow and pain. I hope the Savior comes soon and puts an end to all the strife.
It's overwhelming to say the least how difficult these past several years have been. It takes all my strength to keep going and not give up.
If there were a way to know for sure what is wrong and how to treat it the problem would not be so overwhelming.
We both turn 65 but never thought in my life we would find ourselves in the middle of nowhere in our lives. But, I know Heavenly Father loves us and the eternities is what we seek our reward in. So for that there is hope.
All around the world is in commotion. There are wars, and troubles everywhere. Just like the scriptures predicted: fathers and mothers kill their children; children kill their parents.; so many things that just don't make any sense at all. Our Government is corrupted with greedy power hungry people and our Presidency is leaning toward socialism. It's difficult to live in a world of sorrow and pain. I hope the Savior comes soon and puts an end to all the strife.
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